


In Dust and Ashes

by Babybucky1943



Category: Marvel
Genre: Angst, Capture at Azzano, Crying, Hints of ageplay (non sexual), Hurt/Comfort, Incontinence, M/M, Not CA-TFA compliant, Pain, Peggy babysits Bucky, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Restrained Bucky, Wetting, had to write WWll Bucky, it will get better, mind wiping, painful memories, serum enhancement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-11-18 03:59:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18112841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babybucky1943/pseuds/Babybucky1943
Summary: Bucky didn’t know how they’d gotten themselves captured. Azzano wasn’t pleasant and when Zola put him in the “place no one comes back from” he’s starting to lose hope. He knows Steve will miss him. He guesses he really did take all the stupid with him because this was a really stupid move.Comments are welcome! I love feedback from my readers! This idea has been stuck in my head for several days and it refused to leave so.....here you go.. :)





	1. Chapter 1

James Buchanan Barnes. That was his name. It didn’t matter what these fucking Hydra bastards did! He strained at the bond across his chest. He couldn’t break it. He felt sweat beading on his upper lip again. He tried not to think about how he would probably die here.

Steve. What would his Stevie do without him? He swallowed at the lump in his throat.

Would Steve get the letter? Bucky Barnes MIA? It would just about kill him. Little Stevie was so fragile as it was. All Bucky wanted to do was win this damned war and go home to Steve. This line of thinking wasn’t really helping his frame of mind either. He kept seeing Steve’s face the last time he’d ever seen him. Big blue eyes that refused to cry.

Buck had to lighten the mood so he’d half joked. “Don’t do anything stupid.” Only a half joke because Steve rushed into things without any thought to self preservation.

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.” True Stevie sass there. He’d been so down about being rejected for duty.

Bucky had to admit, maybe he had taken the stupid with him. As the Sergeant and as the sniper for the Howling Commandos they never should have been taken by surprise. He still wasn’t sure exactly what had happened. One minute they were creeping along, the next, blown into the dirt with dead and wounded men, and the Nazis taking prisoners.

Bucky went back to reciting his name and social security number. They weren’t getting any information out of him!

The short stocky scientist with the horn rimmed glasses came in, walking around the table slowly, eyeing every inch of Bucky’s body. “He looks good. You haf gifen him the full amount?” He asked in a heavy Swiss accent.

The other scientist nodded. “Yes sir. He has reacted well.”

Bucky wanted to know what he’d reacted well to but didn’t. What had they given him? He looked up at the IV that dripped steadily into his arm. Hell, he’d never be able to tell what they were putting in him!

“I am Dr. Arnum Zola,” the Swiss scientist said, now speaking to Bucky. “You are a fery strong, young man. I think you will do well for what Schmidt has in mind.”

Bucky clenched his teeth. Schmidt! He’d heard the name. He was Hitler’s second in command and also high in the ranks of Hydra. He wouldn’t give this parasite the satisfaction of seeing Bucky Barnes squirm! “Tell Schmidt I’ll never do anything for him!”

Zola just smiled which was all the more disconcerting.

The other scientist strung up a bag of blue fluid on the IV catheter running into his arm, and started it.

Bucky watched as the tube filled. It felt cold at first. No. That wasn’t cold! It was hot! He tried to lay still, willing the burning in his veins to subside. He writhed, biting his lip to stop the cries that wanted to escape. The more that dripped in, however, the more it became excruciatingly painful. He reared back as much as he could, screaming in agony. With tears running down the sides of his face, he started reciting his name and social security number, over and over. He knew how Hydra worked! He would not forget!! 

The doctor struck him across the face. “Stop it!”

When Bucky didn’t, he beat him but the pain was nothing to the blue flames of the mysterious fluid consuming him.

His voice was giving out as breathing became difficult between the screams.

He didn’t know how long it took for the bag to empty. When his whole body breathed fire, he felt a painful numbness settle over him that made him feel odd.

Zola motioned his assistant to undo the straps. “Into the chair,” he said. “Schmidt wants to see if he will survive it.”

“So quickly after the serum?” One assistant asked.

“I am not the one to gif Schmidt orders,” Zola said dryly. “Let’s go.”

“What if he doesn’t survive?” The second assistant asked.

Zola gave a snort of contempt. “Then we start on the next one.”

Bucky was freed and thought about fighting but his limbs refused to work right. He wanted to run but he couldn’t even lift his arm to beat off his captors.

They dragged him into a different room where there was a menacing looking chair with more restraints.

“You guys got a kink?” He slurred. He just got a cuff to the mouth for his sass. It took all his effort to lick the blood from his lip.

Zola stripped his shirt off and put him in the chair firmly, effectively restraining him with the heavy bonds across both arms and both thighs.

Bucky didn’t like how vulnerable it made him feel.

He had no say in the matter however. Dr. Zola had a stethoscope around his neck. Bucky wondered why.

A moment later a man that he’d never seen walked in, staring at Bucky sharply. “Is the machine ready?” He asked.

Zola nodded.

“Begin,” he said shortly.

Bucky looked up as Zola placed a heavy piece of equipment over the top of his head. He screwed it tight with a large toggle bolt till Bucky whimpered from the pinch. He didn’t like how it encircled his head. A piece of metal clamped underneath his left eye. A clumsy piece of heavy rubber tubing was forced between his teeth and tied behind his head.

Bucky was starting to get scared. What the hell were they doing to him?? Torture. He wasn’t going to split. He was strong. His name and number was all they were getting!

A few seconds later he heard a crackling whirr and then searing pain ripped through his head, flashing between white hot burning, and sharp,dizzying stabs of knife like pain. He couldn’t recite his name. All he could do was scream around the tubing. He screamed till his throat was raw.

Finally the pain stopped. His eyes were closed but he could see pops and flashes of light behind his eyelids. He smelled something like hot metal. He had no strength. When he was lifted by impatient hands and carried back to the table, he still didn’t open his eyes. Every nerve in his body felt burned and he was in so much pain.

“Now we wait and see,” the sharp faced man said.

“Yes sir, Senior Schmidt,” an assistant said quickly, fastening the bonds around Bucky again.

Schmidt! The sharp faced man was Schmidt! Bucky felt a tear crawl down his temple. He couldn’t even talk. His jaw felt slack. He tried to stop the drool from running out of his mouth.

He felt hands on him, taking his heart rate and then listening to other parts of his body before his shirt was put on again.

His body felt disconnected and very large but at the same time so tight that every nerve ending cried for relief.

The assistant washed his face and then said, “I have no clean clothes for you.”

Bucky didn’t care until he felt a cold wetness against his legs. What the fucking hell? There was no way that was what he thought it felt like. Someone musta spilled something. He didn’t wet himself. Ever. Stevie couldn’t help it. Bucky had awakened many times in a wet bed with Steve crying and babbling out how sorry he was. It didn’t bother Bucky. Steve could probably have done anything and Bucky would forgive him. His Stevie was his sunshine. He missed him dreadfully.

He was only too glad when he was finally alone. His head was starting to pound something awful now as he started to come out of his daze and he hurt. Thoughts of Steve were emotionally painful. Everything felt real fuzzy. He had to calm himself down. Falling apart wasn’t gonna help anyone.

He took some deep breaths, breathing air into his burning lungs.

“My name is James Buchanan Barnes,” he began hoarsely. “Social Security Number 731546780. My name is James Buchanan...”


	2. Chapter 2

Steve Rogers stood just outside the army tent, feeling his tears mix with the rain. Bucky was MIA. His worst fear had become a reality. He felt movement next to his elbow and looked down.

Peggy Carter was at his side, looking dissatisfied. “You were meant for more than this.”

Steve looked at her. “That’s why I’m going to do something about it! I know Colonel said -“

“They were missing and he’s not sending anyone in. Yes I know. I was there.” She finished. “But I can help.”

He considered it a moment. “Alright,whatdid you have in mind?”

She smiled a little and took him to a place where Howard Stark was busily trying to get one of his contraptions to work. He was quite eager to share and be part of the rescue plan.

Once Steve was properly outfitted, he and Peggy along with Howard boarded a plane and took off.

“Guess I’m missing my next show,” Steve said wryly, to fill the awkward silence.

Peggy laughed a little. “I’m sure they’ll miss their dancing monkey.”

Hewasn’t sure how to feel. He was incredibly happy to finally be doing something real for his country, but he was afraid he wouldn’t like what he’d find. He knew that he was going in alone. He couldn’t keep his mind off of Bucky.

He shook himself out of his thoughts and looked at Peggy.

She smiled slightly at him.

Howard turned back to see them. “Agent Carter, if we have time, I thought we could stop off for a late night fondue.”

Steve looked at Peggy who glanced rather uncomfortably at Howard and then back at Steve.

“He’s the best civilian pilot there is. And he is just mad enough to fly through enemy airspace.” She smiled as if that explained everything.

Steve sensed her discomfort but he felt he had to ask. “So, you and Stark....fondue?”

She gave him a rather unreadable look and then changed the subject. “Here is your transponder. As soon as we get your signal we’ll come get you.”

Steve nodded taking the small electronic black box. “Hope this thing works!” He muttered.

A sudden pebbling of bullets hit the fuselage, stopping all conversation. “That’s my cue,” Steve said, getting up.

He jumped out of the plane, shielding himself and dropped straight down, pulling his parachute cord once he got close enough.

Steve found his way into the factory, completely focused on finding Bucky.

When he set the prisoners free, one of the Howling Commandos told Steve that Bucky had been taken to the room no one came back from.

Feeling new dread claw icy fingers into his stomach, he quickly told them where to go and hurried the other way.He carefully wandered the empty hallways, desperate for any sign of Bucky.

He stopped suddenly as he heard a voice.

A hoarse voice repeating numbers. Numbers that he recognized!!

He slid into the room but soon discovered it was empty other than Bucky strapped down to a table.

“Oh Bucky!” He said, relieved and concerned.

Bucky flinched when Steve ripped the straps that held him.

“Bucky! It’s me! Steve!” He wondered what had happened to make Bucky so jumpy.

Bucky stared blankly at him for a moment. “Oh! Steve.” His familiar smile blossomed as Steve helped him sit up.

Steve held him gently for a moment, taking in the bruises under the dirt. “I thought you were dead!”

“I thought you were smaller,” Bucky said, eyeing him with confusion. “What happened to you?”

“I joined the army,” Steve grinned. Supporting Bucky, who seemed very weak, Steve got him up and moving. He’d heard the explosions and knew time was short. He also knew he’d never leave Bucky’s side again. He got them out of the exploding building.

There were dead and dying hydra soldiers everywhere. Steve helped Bucky maneuver his way around them until they were back in the forest where they met up with more of the Howlies .

Dum Dum Dugan raised a fist in silent salute. “Sarge! We thought you were a goner.”

“Me too,” Bucky croaked.

Steve stopped once they were safe and handed Bucky a canteen of water.“Drink.”

Bucky tried not to drink too fast, but his throat was so parched. 

Steve put his arm around Bucky’s shoulders as they set off to find the rest of the regiment.

Bucky wanted nothing more than to collapse into Steve’s embrace. He was feeling nauseous and dizzy.But he wasn’t about to tell Steve that. He’d risked his life to save him. He had to be strong. 

The men had managed to snag a tank and a truck from the emptyenemy base and the sick or injured were allowed to ride as they started the long walk back to their camp.

Steve looked askance at his transponder wondering which punch had broken it. Obviously Stark hadn’t taken fighting into account.

During their trek he glanced at Bucky often but he couldn’t place the look in his eyes. Like something vital had been taken away.

They walked until everyone was exhausted and darkness had fallen. They had come on a small town, empty now, probably because a number of the buildings showed signs of explosions.

They scrounged what they could for food but the few remaining houses had already been ransacked. They explored further, hungry and desperate.

Morita hit the jackpot when he found a bombed out store whose underground storage room was still partially intact under a pile of dirt and rubble. With shouts for help, he started tossing up canned goods.

There were only about eighty cans but they made it work for the large group.

The tired men built a fire in a large square of concrete with jagged pieces of wall standing here and there, probablythe remains of a church or a hall. They sat and talked for a bit as the tins of food were heated and passed around. Everyone at least stilled the grumbling in their stomachs except Steve. But he would survive.

Bucky ate less than his share and Steve wondered why.

Several men started talking about setting a guard so the others could sleep.

Steve volunteered to be one of the first.

Bucky followed him to where he sat on the edge of the group, facing out into the darkness. He sat down and leaned his head against Steve’s shoulder.

Steve wrapped an arm around Bucky’s shoulders, trying to still his shivering even though it wasn’t that cold.

Bucky cuddled into his warmth and yawned.

“Why don’t you get some rest?” Steve asked softly.

Bucky shrugged slightly. “Can’t sleep.”

Steve looked down at the dark mop nestled safely against him. “Alright.”

Bucky did fall asleep a few minutes later and Steve did his best not to disturb him. “What did you bastards do to him?” Steve whispered softly, kissing the top of Bucky’s head.

When his three hours was about up, Dum Dum came and tapped him on the shoulder. “I’ll take Sarge’s place. Don’t wake him.”

Steve nodded. He carefully lifted Bucky into his arms, and went to an open spot, still close enough to the fire to keep Bucky warm, and set him down slowly. He had lost weight. 

Bucky’s eyes suddenly flew open and he looked around wildly. “I won’t give you what you want,” he whimpered. He grabbed the front of Steve’s coat and if Steve had been any smaller he would have been pulled off his feet by the panicked grip.

Steve quickly lifted him into his arms again and walked away from the group to avoid waking the sleeping soldiers.

“Bucky,” he soothed. “You’re safe. It’s Steve. You’re with me.” He held him snug, willing the terror to be over.

Bucky’s grip didn’t lessen for several minutes but finally the wildness left his eyes and tears filled them as he pushed away.“Sorry Steve. I don’t know what that was.”

The blonde didn’t say anything as he tried to understand what the words weren’t saying. At some point, Bucky’s bladder had given out because the front and inseams of his khakis were wet in the dim light.

Steve didn’t think anyone else would be able to see it. Bucky didn’t need more ribbing right now. He certainly wasn’t the first soldier to piss himself.

The others had started to come close but Steve waved them away wanting to give Bucky privacy.

“Dammit,” Bucky whispered as he realized, tears tracking down his face.

“What’d they do to you?” Steve asked softly.

Bucky looked up at Steve, his blue eyes huge and luminescent in the pale moonlight. “I don’t know, Steve. ‘M scared.”

“Shh, I’ve got you,” Steve whispered, pulling him close. “We’ll get through this. I’m with you-“

“Till the end of the line, I know,” Bucky said, his voice muffled against Steve’s jacket.

One more quick hug and Steve let Bucky go. There were no clean fatigues and all the soldiers were filthy so Bucky didn’t really stand out. But it did seem to Steve that something awfully strange had happened to Bucky. He aimed to find out what it was.


	3. Chapter 3

Steve slept fitfully, awakened by every movement Bucky made. He’d brought him close to calm the panic and anxiety that obviously wracked his best friend’s mind and body.

Bucky felt the solid bulk of Steve’s new body against his back and gratefully leaned into it. His legs itched something terrible from the piss soaked pants. He was embarrassed that he’d wet himself again. Steve had whispered that he didn’t care and had pulled him close anyway when they lay down.

For the first time since he’d left for the war, he felt safe.Steve’s body was radiating heat and it felt wonderful. He seemed to be chilled to the core and couldn’t warm up.His mind was full of chaos. He could hardly make sense of everything that had happened to him in that hellhole.

A lot of it was a jumble. He didn’t know how many times they had made the electricity knife through his brain. It had burned and every time it had taken a little more of his confidence and self worth away. He didn’t want to know what would have happened if Steve hadn’t come yesterday. As it was he was pretty sure the torture had something to do with what was happening. It wasn’t just pissing his pants when he got startled or panicked. He was also having memory lapses. The doctor had asked questions a few times and Bucky had no idea what he’d been talking about.

He also didn’t want to think too closely about the serum. Things were different with that too. He healed faster. He definitely had more stamina if yesterday was any indication. He’d been feeling like he was gonna pass out but he hadn’t. He could scratch through his skin and it would heal over in a few hours. He put it out of his mind.

He wiggled in closer again, feeling Steve’s arm come across his chest, tucking him snugly against that solidness that grounded him.

Bucky drifted off and finally didn’t dream of the horrors he had been subjected to, but he dreamt of Brooklyn and a smaller Steve who looked at him with the same big eyes and firm look.

When they woke in the early hours, Bucky was groggy and unsteady.

Steve asked if he was okay. 

Bucky shrugged. “I dunno.” He giggled slightly when Steve held him upright.

Steve looked at him, very concerned. “Buck, what’s wrong?”

Bucky giggled as he staggered and bumped into Steve before almost falling down. “I’m not as think as you drunk I am!” He slurred gleefully, tripping over Steve’s boot.

Steve knew for a fact that Bucky hadn’t had even a drink, never mind being drunk.What the hell was going on??

A few of the soldiers chuckled at his antics.

“You go to a party without us?” One needled gently. “

“Sarge musta got inta some moonshine,” one of the Howlies laughed.

This made Bucky laugh even more. “Got inta it, yeah...”

Steve gripped his sweater to keep him from falling face first into the dirt. He didn’t say anything about it and just pulled him back. “C’mon, Buck.” He hoisted him onto his shoulders, knowing there was no way Bucky could walk in this state and the tank and truck were full.

“Whoa!” Bucky gasped dizzily, grasping onto Steve’s hair. “How’d I ge’ so tall a sudden?” He giggled, collapsing sideways into Steve’s firm grip.

Steve ignored him and got his troops in order to start the trek back to camp.

They walked in mostly silence other than the occasional comment from someone here and there.

Bucky had stopped giggling and now sat slouched on Steve’s shoulders, keeping up a running commentary. “Stevie, ya think tha’ purty dame from school is still in Brooklyn?” He didn’t wait for Steve’s answer before continuing on with his rambling. “Maybe we can go dancin’ ya know?”

Steve was thinking he’d be glad to get Bucky back to camp, not just to get him to medical but also to give him a shower. Not that the others didn’t stink of sweat and fear and piss too but he wasn’t carrying them.

When they stopped for a break, Steve set Bucky down making sure he was steady.

He seemed to be.

Bucky suddenly looked around and then back at Steve. “Where we at, Stevie?”

“We’re about four miles from camp,” Steve answered. “Just needed a quick rest.”

Bucky looked around in confusion. “How’d you get me outta Zola’s grip?”

Steve frowned a little. “I found you and broke you out yesterday.”

Bucky hardly seemed to hear him. “I thought you were smaller,” Bucky said, taking in Steve’s well built form. “What happened to you?”

“I got a serum that made me healthy and strong.” Steve would explain more later.

Bucky looked dazed. “Serum?”

“Yeah,” Steve said. “You good?”

Bucky smiled a little. “Yeah, fine.”

“You steady enough to walk now?” Steve asked.

Bucky looked miffed. “I ain’t seen no booze, Rogers! What ya talkin’ bout??”

Steve kept his thoughts to himself. “Let’s get this trip done!”

They quickly fell into formation, Bucky walking with Steve at the front.

“Steve, why’d you ask me if I was steady now? Did I ...do somethin’ off?”

Steve glanced at him, wanting to lie.“When we started out this morning, I hadta carry you cuz you were all outta it. I’m worried ‘bout you.”

“Sorry,” Bucky said softly. He must have blacked out because he couldn’t remember waking up this morning. He didn’t know why and it frightened him.

The subject was dropped and conversation dwindled as the camp came in view.

Bucky watched as Steve was treated with honour for rescuing 400 men! He had to say it! “Let’s hear it for Captain America!”

As the crowd cheered, he looked at Steve, so different now than the scrawny punk he’d left behind. Something about serum. Surely it was different than what Zola had pumped into him. Had his little Stevie hurt like he had? The thought made him feel unaccountably angry. He was also very very tired.

Steve was supposed to go see Colonel Phillips but he begged to see Bucky settled first.

Bucky was placed on a chair in the medical tent to await evaluation, and Steve promised he’d be back in a few minutes.

Bucky nodded, putting his chin in his hand. Behind one of the curtains a soldier yelled in pain.

Bucky didn’t know what he was to show the nurses. He had no open lacerations or missing limbs.

His pain was in his mind and in the strange weakness that his bladder seemed to have taken on since the electrical shock torture. He wasn’t about to share that however. He wondered if he should go relieve himself.He stepped out of the tent quickly and went to the row of outhouses. Better safe than sorry. Yes he stunk, but at least his pants were dry now. 

He was making his way back just as Steve was coming out of the medical tent.

“Bucky!” He scolded. “Where were you?”

“Had ta take a piss,” he mumbled.

“Oh. Sorry,” Steve said quickly. “They’re waiting for you.”

Bucky walked to the indicated bed and sat down, feeling a panicky dread encompass him. He didn’t have answers, only questions. None of which he wanted to ask.


	4. Chapter 4

Bucky sat on the edge of the bed, trying not to be tense as the nurse examined him. She’d asked him to take his shirt off. He was glad she hadn’t told him to take his pants off. He needed a shower bad!

Steve was standing to the side, watching anxiously.

Bucky jerked when she put the stethoscope to his back.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized. “It’s a little cool.” She moved it around. 

He nodded a little. It had startled him more than anything.

He startled easily these days and he hated it.

The nurse removed the stethoscope and then felt along his neck and jaw. “Do you have any pain?”

He shook his head. The bruises had healed. Even the place where the IV had been was already healed up. 

She continued to poke and prod him. 

Buckys mind wandered to the lab, still wondering what had happened there. He wanted to find Zola and pin him down and make him tell him. 

”Open,” the nurse said, putting a rubber tipped mirror to his lips. 

Suddenly he was back in that awful chair. He jerked back and cried out. Then suddenly realized it was just a mirror. His heart was racing! 

The nurse looked very concerned. “You were the Soldier they tortured.” She said softly. 

The sudden sound of spilling liquid made him cringe and look around quickly for the source. He suddenly realized it was him! He was fucking pissing his pants in front of the nurse and Steve! Heat rushed to his face and he lost his voice. 

The nurse looked a little stunned and Steve looked confused. “Bucky? Are you....?

Bucky’s eyes widened and filled with sudden tears of shame, his face burning. He shot off the bed, grabbing his shirt, not caring who was in his way, and ran, refusing to hear the rest of Steve’s question.

Bucky ran towards the showers knowing no one would be in there right now. It was dinner time and they’d all be in the mess tent.

He slammed into the building and went to a dark corner where he curled into a tight ball, sobbing. What the hell was wrong with him?? Why couldn’t he stay dry? He hated it! Hated the feeling of wet pants, hated the feeling of smelling like pee, hated that he seemed to have lost all control.

He vowed to stay in this corner forever. He was never coming out. He’d rather die!! 

Ten minutes or so later, he heard the door open and curled further in on himself, wishing he could disappear.

“Bucky,” Steve’s voice was soft, like he didn’t want to scare him.

“Go away, Steve,” Bucky cried, even though he also kind of wanted him there. But he was just so ashamed of himself.

Steve sat down on one of the benches. “I know what it’s like, Buck. You know I do.”

Bucky remembered the countless wet beds and wet pairs of pants Steve had had when they’d been together.

“It’s humiliating!” Bucky said in a low voice. “Did you ever piss yourself in front of a nurse though?”

Steve gave a short, sharp laugh. “You even have ta ask?”

Bucky still didn’t look up. For Pete’s sake. Of course Steve had. He’d spent half his childhood in the damn hospital.

He was infinitely glad that Steve understood what this was like! But he still didn’t know what he was going to do!!

“I’m a soldier, Steve! I can’t have this happen. What am I gonna tell the Colonel? What about the guys? Man they’d never let me live it down.” Fresh tears started as he imagined the jokes and comments he’d get if it happened in front of the Howlies. He may as well just die of embarrassment here. “Please kill me.”

“Maybe you just need a short medical leave.” Steve rubbed his back gently.

Bucky took some long deep breaths. He was being over dramatic. He thought over Steve’s statement then slowly shook his head. “I can’t leave the Howlies, Steve. I’m the Sergeant.”

“Then what do you suggest?” Steve asked.

Bucky had no answer. He wished he had one.

“Let’s shower,” Steve suggested softly.

Bucky allowed himself to be coaxed out of his corner and stripped of his clothing.

Steve stripped as well and set the water, pulling Bucky in with him.“Let me wash you, honey.”

Bucky relaxed as Steve washed his dirty hair and then soaped him up and scrubbed his skin with the green, army issue cloth.

His legs were red and rashy from the long exposure to ammonia but he didn’t complain when it burned. He wished he could wash his shame away as easily.

The hot water didn’t last nearly long enough. Steve had to soap and rinse in cool water and then they quickly got out and dried off with the rough towels.

He hadn’t noticed earlier that Steve had brought him fresh clothes. He shimmied into them quickly, teeth chattering, but at least he felt clean after so long of feeling disgustingly filthy.

Steve also got dressed and then said, “You must be half starved.”

Bucky was. But his only concern was wetting himself in front of anyone else. He could imagine the ribbing he’d get then!! “Not really..” he said quietly.

Unfortunately, Steve could read him like a book. “Buck, if you’re worried about pissing yourself in front of the guys we’ll eat in my tent. I also talked to the nurse after you left.”

“What about?” Bucky asked suspiciously.

“About that.” Steve said bluntly.

Bucky rolled his eyes and looked away. He hoped like hell the nurse wasn’t a gossip! This wasn’t something he wanted anyone else knowing. “Great! What did she say?”

“She just gave me a couple...things...for ya. That’ll help,” Steve said, his voice a little anxious but determined to be strong for Bucky.

“What’ll help?” Bucky snapped.

“It’s in my tent,” Steve said, walking out.

Bucky heaved a frustrated sigh and hurried after Steve. He couldn’t be mad at Steve. He hadn’t done this to him. He was just trying to help.

He caught up to his buddy. “Sorry for freakin out ,Stevie.”

Steve smiled. “I get it, Buck.”

Bucky knew he did. But it didn’t make it any easier!

They reached Steve’s tent which was much like the others but not crowded with bunks. It only had two and a small table.

“You get a tent of your own?” Bucky asked in awe.

“No,” Steve grinned. “You’re sharing with me.”

Bucky smiled. “Thanks Steve. Just like old times.”

“Yeah,” Steve said with a small smile, gesturing to the second cot.

Bucky walked towards it then stopped mid-step when he saw the items on one of the cots. “No fucking way, Rogers.” His voice was low and furious.

Steve shrugged. “That’s what I told her but she told me to take em anyway.”

Bucky glared, slit eyed at Steve, feeling angry and shameful and he didn’t know what else. He sagged down suddenly onto the cot, crying in hiccuping sobs and wishing Zola had killed him. “I don’t wanna be like this! I’m completely useless!”

“Bucky,” Steve pleaded. “Did you think I was useless when it happened to me?”

Bucky looked at him, cheeks wet. “Course not, dummy! You were perfect!”

“I didn’t feel perfect.” Steve gently wiped his cheek. “I felt like I was all alone in the world and you were the only one between me and the bullies who made fun of me for it.”

Bucky remembered one boy who’d made fun of Steve for having an accident in public. Lost mosta his teeth, he had. Bucky woulda punched em all out if his pa hadna showed up! The kid never said another word!

“I’d do it again,” Bucky vowed softly.

“I know,” Steve whispered. “My Ma finally made me wear diapers when it got so bad there for awhile.”

Bucky remembered that too. It was after Steve had been in the hospital for an awful long time with pneumonia and he just couldn’t control himself. Sarah had made him wear cloth diapers. Steve hadn’t gone to school for over a month and Bucky had brought his homework to him every day.They’d had so much fun goofing off as soon as Sarah’s back was turned. Steve hadn’t let it get him down. He’d accepted it and dealt with it.

Could Bucky do the same? He wasn’t a kid though. ‘Course, Steve had been fourteen at the time so not exactly a kid either.

He slowly picked one of the three cloth diapers up and glanced at it. There was a new package of diaper pins and two pairs of rubber pants. He looked away again, shaking his head.

Steve patted his knee then gently kissed his cheek. “Buck, it don’t matter to me one way or the other. I’m still gonna love ya.”

Bucky studied the strong, honest face so close to his. “You still love me, Stevie?”

“Yeah Buck,” Steve said. He lay a soft kiss on Bucky’s lips and then rose. “I’m gonna go get us some food. I’ll be gone about ten or fifteen minutes.”

Bucky understood. He was giving him privacy to....he glanced again at the unusual undergarments. Maybe it would get better with time. He could hope.

Alone, now, he unfolded one of the fitted white ....(he didn’t want to call them diapers!) things, and quickly stripped off his pants and undies. He pulled it up between his legs, and sat on the edge of the bed to pin it in place. It took a few tries but finally he got it satisfactorily pinned and quickly pulled a pair of the rubber pants over top. He nearly leapt into his pants when he heard footsteps. The pants were a bit big and it stood him in good stead now. It felt bulky but the flannel was soft.

The tent flap lifted and Steve said, “Bucky? You decent?”

“Yeah, Steve,” he said a little breathlessly.

Steve came in with an entire platter of food, setting it down. “I got whatever the cook had left.”

Bucky grinned. “Good. I’m famished!”

“Me too!” Steve agreed.

They sat down and tucked into the food, settling into a comfortable silence, with an occasional hum of contentment.


	5. Chapter 5

Steve collected the empty plates and cutlery. Now that Bucky was clean and replete, Steve could see how exhausted he was. “Why dontcha lay down on your cot while I run this back to the mess? I’ll be right back.”

Bucky nodded.

Steve carried the tray back, running into Dugan and Dernier in the process.

“How’s Sarge?” Dernier asked softly. “The Howlies are pretty worried ‘bout him.”

“He’ll be alright, I think,” Steve said. “Hoping a few good nights and good food will put him right.”

“Hope so,” Dum Dum said. “We need ‘im.”

“Yeah. I know.” Steve looked at the two men with open honesty. “I will find Zola and take him down.”

“We’re with you on that, Cap,” Dernier vowed. 

Dum Dum nodded in agreement. He liked Sarge and hated Hydra passionately.

Dernier watched the Captain walk away before whispering, “Ya think he knows somethin’? Like why Sarge was actin’ so strange today?”

Dum Dum shrugged. “Cap’s his best friend. He’s allowed to keep some stuff private.”

“Sarge is our friend too,” Dernier pointed out.

Dum Dum nodded. “I know, man. Sarge will tell us what’s goin’ on when he’s ready.”

The French soldier didn’t look completely appeased but decided to let it lie. He was loyal to his sergeant to a fault and took his duties very seriously.

Steve returned the tray, thanking the kitchen staff and then returned to his tent. He was tired and eager to get to bed. The Colonel had said the 107th was getting a few days rest and he planned to make the most of it.

He got back to the tent and opened the flap. “Hey Buck, I thought we could...” he trailed off and then smiled softly.

Bucky was fast asleep, hand under his cheek, laying on his side, just like he had when they were kids. His hair was curling because it was long and just washed.

Steve felt a resonating arousal in his chest and abdomen. His Bucky. So perfect. So beautiful. Asleep he looked at peace. He wanted to move his cot next to Bucky’s to be close to him but he didn’t want to wake him.

Steve shucked his coat and pants and was about to crawl under his blanket when Bucky whimpered.

Steve immediately turned, his heart breaking a little at the vulnerable sound.He went to Bucky’s cot and sat on the edge, gently running a hand over the soft dark hair. “It’s ok, sweetheart.”

Bucky jerked back at his touch, keening softly, his cheeks wet with tears.He writhed as if trying to escape some invisible monster. His cries were getting louder so Steve shook him.

“Bucky! Honey! Wake up!”

Bucky jerked awake gasping, sitting up and scooting back onto his pillow, wide eyed. “No! No! Don’t hurt me! Please!”

Steve wanted to cry at the abject terror on his face. He wanted to kill Zola. He wanted to kill every Hydra piece of crap for doing this. “Bucky, it’s me, Steve,” he whispered.

Bucky’s breathing slowly returned to normal. “Steve.” He looked confused for a long moment then nodded. “Oh yeah. I thought you were smaller.”

Steve bit his lip hard to stop his tears. “Yeah Buck. I was. I joined the army. I saved you and we’re here at base camp. You’re safe. I’ll keep you safe. Till the end of the line.”

“End of the line,” Bucky echoed slowly, finally meeting Steve’s eyes.

Steve took his ice cold hand in his own. He felt Bucky relax and slowly come back to himself.

“Damn,” he groaned.

Steve knew that feeling too well. “I know, babe. You want help?”

Bucky gave him a strange look. “Uh, Steve, I just fuckin’ pissed my damn.... diaper...” He grimaced as he whispered the word, “And you’re asking to help me?” His face turned bright red at the admission.

Steve shrugged. “Just offering.” He smiled and went to his own cot, laying down with his back to the room.

Bucky scowled at the mass of wet flannel between his thighs. He must’ve wet more than once. He was soaked. This was gonna get real awkward. He stripped down quickly, keeping a wary eye on Steve.

He took off the wet undergarment and held it uncertainly.

“Put it in the washbasin,” Steve said. “We’ll wash it and hang it to dry over the stove.”

Bucky would have liked to strangle him for knowing exactly what he needed without saying anything. He did as told then hastily grabbed a dry one and tried to get it on but his fingers were tired and clumsy. When he’d poked his thumb the third time with the business end of the pin, he cursed a blue streak, sucking the sore digit.

Steve sat up. “Let me help, Buck. I promise, I won’t say a word. You know I won’t.”

Bucky cursed some more then huffed out a growl. “Fine.”

Steve crossed the small space and kept his thoughts to himself about how cute Bucky looked in the white flannel. He would _NEVER_ say it. He was so strange it made him feel dirty just to think it. But he allowed himself a short, enjoyable peek. He tugged the diaper straight around Bucky’s hips and pinned it deftly.

He got up and went out to get a jug of water, giving Bucky time to get his rubber pants and pants on again. He came back to find Bucky staring at the opposite wall away from him. He rinsed the used diaper three times like his ma used to and wrung it out before hanging it over the squat black oil stove in the corner, lending heat to the room. He tossed the used water outside and returned the bowl to the stand.

After he was done that, he moved his cot next to Bucky’s and lay down, gently pulling Bucky into his warmth. There was only a moment of resistance before Bucky gave in and curled into Steve’s chest.

Steve knew Bucky didn’t need words right now. He just needed to know that Steve was there for him.

They both slept the rest of the night, undisturbed by more nightmares.

Steve woke first, stretching slowly, seeing sunlight against the tent walls. He very carefully detangled himself from Bucky’s limp arms and tucked the blankets back around his exhausted friend. He quickly got dressed. The stove must have gone out. It was freezing.

He went outside to get another jug of water and saw Agent Carter, overseeing a group of soldiers out. She smiled at him and he saluted her.

When he was coming back from the water tank, she was waiting.

“Captain Rogers,” She said in her sweet British accent.

Steve put the jug down. “Good morning, Agent Carter.”

“How is Sergeant Barnes coping?” Her brown eyes searched his face, settling on meeting his eyes with that straight forward gaze.

“As well as can be expected, ma’am,” he said respectfully.

“And you?” She asked, softer.

He dropped his eyes to the dirt, feeling heat colour his cheeks. She was a beautiful woman. He just didn’t know why she was interested in the likes of him.“I’m doing fine, Miss Carter,” he said, returning her smile.

“Steve.” She waited for him to look at her.

He let his eyes meet hers, squinting a little in the sunlight.

“Tell James that we’ll do what we can to track Zola down. The nurse gave her report to the colonel.”

Steve’s hand stopped mid face swipe and he looked at her with anxiety clouding his fine features. “Damn.” The word was barely audible but he apologized anyway. “Is he gonna send Bucky home?”

“That’s what he was thinking.” Her eyes were sympathetic.

“He can’t,” Steve begged softly. “Please! Tell the colonel Bucky wants to find Zola. He needs some answers.”

Peggy nodded. “I’ll talk to him.”

Steve watched her walk away, battling the crazy desire to chase her and ask her out. He squashed the feeling down and went back to his tent.

Bucky was still snoring.

Steve quietly poured water into the sink and washed his hands and face. He took the now dry diaper and folded it, putting it on the pile at the end of Bucky’s cot.

“Captain Rogers,” a voice said, “I have a note here for Sergeant Barnes.”

Steve opened the flap to see one of the young private’s carrying a missive from Colonel Philips. Steve thanked him and took it. He wanted to tear it open and see what it was about but he didn’t.

Steve heaved a deep sigh. He didn’t want Bucky to be sent home. Especially not without him! If Bucky was leaving Steve was going too!

He wondered if he could run to the mess hall and grab breakfast for Bucky and himself.

He quickly took off.

Most of the soldiers had been through the mess hall and were going about their duties. 

The Howlies were in the mess eating a leisurely breakfast when Steve entered.

“Hey Cap,” they greeted.

He grinned and waved. “Hey guys. Everyone slept?”

“After some drinks, yeah,” Morita laughed. “We hit the bar last night.”

Steve laughed. “Whatever helped.” He went to the food line.

He requested a tray again and the cooks agreed. It didn’t take long to load a tray with enough for two hungry men and Steve headed back, his mouth watering at the smell of hot oatmeal, toast and coffee.

Bucky was just stirring, scrubbing at his eyes with one fist when Steve walked back in. He rolled over onto his back. “Time’sit?” He mumbled.

“Breakfast time,” Steve said cheerfully.

Bucky sat up, blinking sleepily. “‘S’At coffee?”

“Yeah. With actual sugar.” Steve grinned. 

Bucky got unsteadily to his feet and made his way to the washbasin to wash up, quickly aware again that he was wet. He breathed in to remain calm and turned back to Steve. “Smells awfully good.”

They had started to eat when Bucky spotted the envelope. “What’s this?”

Steve shrugged. “Not sure.”

Bucky pushed it aside. “Plenty of time to open it later. Right now I wanna spend breakfast talking to my guy.”

He gave Steve a smile that was a lot more like the Bucky he had left in Brooklyn. 

Steve touched his hand lightly. “We got some catchin’ up ta do.”

“Yeah,” Bucky agreed. “Like how yougot to be big and strong. We’ll start with that.”

Steve nodded. “That day we were at the expo, the night before you shipped out...”

 


	6. Chapter 6

Bucky finally opened the letter from the Colonel some time later. It was a short, closely typed letter, requesting him to meet privately with the Colonel immediately after lunch to discuss his medical review.

Bucky’s pallor whitened even more and he sat heavily on the cot. “They’re gonna send me home, Stevie.”

Steve held his hand gently, running his thumb over Bucky’s long fingers. “I don’t think so. Unless they wanna lose me too.”

Bucky looked at him in confusion. “What?”

“If he sends ya home, I’m goin’ with ya.” Steve set his jaw stubbornly. “And Peggy knows it.”

“Peggy?” Bucky asked, distracted from his current dilemma.

Steve blushed. “Uh, sorry. Agent Carter.”

Bucky grinned lazily, noticing Steve blushing. He elbowed Steve in the ribs. “You’re sweet on ‘er.”

Steve bowed away from the jab and shrugged. “She’s a pretty gal.”

Bucky eyed Steve for a long minute. “Should I be jealous?” He grinned wickedly. 

Steve barked out a short laugh. “She’s way outta my league, Buck. She’s a real pretty dame. Soft brown curls. These real gorgeous brown eyes!”

”Sounds like a real looker,” Bucky said, no longer joking. “Guess I lost ya.”

Steve was still giggling. “She sure is. Nah Bucky you won’t never lose me. Peggy ....” What Bucky said suddenly registered. Wait. What, why.....would....you think you lost me...” He looked at Bucky carefully, as a deep red crept up his neck and cheeks.

“Sorry, Stevie. Shouldn’a said nuthin.” He whispered. “Don’ matter. Better to go after a dame ‘nyways.”

Steve had been attracted to Bucky pretty much since he understood what that meant but Bucky....well. He’d always swung the other way. Or at least that’s what Steve had thought.

Bucky got up, taking his army issue towel. “Gonna go shower quick.” He almost ran to escape the awkward silence.

Steve nodded, watching him leave. He pondered the sudden revelation. Bucky was attracted to him?? But what about Marie? And Lynette? Bobbi Jo? The list went on.

Steve had so often felt the sting of jealousy.He’d just never admitted it. He called Bucky pet names because he could.He had often wished he could attach some ownership to calling Bucky honey or sweetheart.

He thought of Peggy. Her ruby red lipstick and sparkling brown eyes made his heart beat fast too. Was he gonna have to choose? The thought didn’t appeal to him in the least. Peggy would never look at him that way anyway. She outranked him so far. 

Bucky came back in two minutes later, scowling.“Showers were busy.”

“All of them?” Steve asked incredulously.

Bucky gave him a scathing look. “Two too many for what I had to do.”

Steve understood then. “Why don’t ya just wash up in here? We just washed your hair yesterday.”

Bucky nodded, avoiding his eyes. “I will.”

Steve put the tin washbowl on the little oil stove to warm the water a bit while Bucky stripped down behind him. 

The water was only lukewarm but it was enough. Steve left the tent and stood just outside so Bucky could have privacy.

Private Hogan, a young upstart came by, giving a mocking salute. “Heard you and the Sergeant last night. Maybe you two could keep it down tonight.”

Steve raised one eyebrow slightly.He knew his tent was far enough that no one would’ve heard Bucky last night if they’d been sleeping. “What were you doin’ awake after lights out, Private?”

Hogan sneered, “Got woke up by you two. How is it you ain’t been dismissed yet? Thought queers were illegal but guess not for the great Captain America!”

Steve’s stomach clenched unpleasantly. “That’s nonsense and if you speak such trash again I’ll report you.”

“Gets you pretty riled for nonsense,” Hogan continued. “Heard the Colonel’s got it in for Barnes. He don’t deserve the title anyway.”

Steve’s calm wavered. “Get the hell outta here before I kick your ass, Private. You got no call to be talkin’ about Sergeant Barnes like that. He’s got more strength in his pinky than you do in your whole body!”

“‘Zat so?” The young man questioned. “So if you ain’t queer why’d you take ‘im in your tent when you had fifty show girls wantin ya?”

He left then with a probing look and a snicker. Steve felt the uncomfortable strain of fear that someone had overheard Bucky’s words just now even though they’d been quiet. They could deny them. They would. But he didn’t want to put Bucky through that.

“You can come back in, Steve,” Bucky called.

He was fully dressed and the diaper was washed and hanging up.

Steve looked him over, making sure he was immaculate.“You look good, Buck.”

“What was all the shouting about?” Bucky asked.

”Some young asshole wantin’ to make trouble,” Steve growled. “It’s lunchtime. May as well head that way.”

They walked to the mess hall together, Steve being careful to leave a decent amount of space between them. Bucky was uncharacteristically quiet. Steve wondered if he’d overheard the conversation. It would have been pretty hard not to.

They sat with the Howlies at a table. The team excitedly welcomed Bucky back. He accepted the pats on the back and the eager bits of home news each one shared. 

He smiled at each of them fondly as he picked at his food. He would miss them so much. They were like family to him. 

Steve elbowed him, grinning like an idiot and he realized he’d missed the end of Jones’ drinking tale. He laughed, trying to shake the feeling of fuzziness creeping over his brain. It was happening. He didn’t want it to happen here! He fought it. 

“Barnes,” a strident voice called from the next table over. “Did Zola’s torture make ya a queer too? Or was that there all along?”

Bucky’s face went completely white with only two spots of pink. The anger pushed the grey brain cloud away and he could see with startling clarity again. He faced the soldier who’d said it with an icy stare.

Steve knew he was angry. “Buck,” he cautioned, seeing Bucky clenching his fists under the table. Two times in half an hour was too much to be coincidence. He wondered who had started this rumour!

Morita turned around. “Shut it, Corporal. Or I’ll feed ya your teeth.”

Bucky didn’t say a word; just suddenly got up and left the mess hall.

Steve quickly followed. “Bucky, Don’t let ‘em get to ya.”

Bucky stopped him with a hand to his chest. “Goin’ to my meeting. I’ll talk to ya later, punk.”

“Okay,” Steve sensed his distress. “Don’t listen to ‘em Bucky.I dunno who started it, but I aim to find out.”

“Don’ matter.” Bucky whispered. He looked at Steve his blue eyes deep and dark with a pain that Steve couldn’t heal. “It’s true though, ya know. I am a queer.” He stalked off towards the Colonel’s headquarters.

Steve felt anger burn through him, hot and white. He was going to find whatever idiot had started this stupid rag about Bucky and he was gonna get a public apology. He turned back into the mess hall, his jaw tight and eyes flashing.

Dernier and Dugan looked at each other. “Oh oh. Someone pissed him off.”

“Probably whoever started that story ‘bout Sarge bein’ queer,” Falsworth said. “Don’t know where they got that idea.”

Steve stood and surveyed the full tables. He knew there were plenty of soldiers who didn’t like the special treatment the Howlies were getting right now. Or the fact that a glorified chorus girl was acting as Captain.

“Which one o’ you boys started the lie that Sergeant James Barnes is queer?” He asked in a voice that could cut ice. His eyes surveyed the entire room. Many eyes wouldn’t meet his, telling him how many had spread the story, gleefully.

He waited, arms crossed over his powerful chest. “I’ve got all day.”

After several silent and tense minutes, three soldiers with the 107th stamped on their fatigues stood up. “We’re sorry, Sir. It was jus’ speculation. You was carryin’ him while we walked ‘n then you were holdin’ hands ‘n stuff. We didn’ mean no harm.”

Steve was so indignant that these soldiers who had served with Bucky would make such assumptions. “So because he survived torture at Hydra’s hand, and I, as Captain, helped him get through the first few days, you assume he’s queer?” Steve’s words were quiet but they had the effect of a grenade in the room. Every man fidgeted uncomfortably.

”Like we said, it was just speculation, didn’t mean to start gossip,” another man said.

”I carried him because the torture left him weak,” Steve said coldly. “I held his hand when he became dizzy from whatever Hydra injected him with. If you recall, they had him in the place no man returns from.” He glared around at the group. “You’ve all made a great start in destroying a good man.” With that Steve left the mess hall, back ramrod stiff.

The mess hall remained quiet long after Steve had gone. As one, the Howling Commandos got up and left, tossing disdainful looks at the offenders.

Steve sat in his tent, head in his hands. His biggest concern was Bucky. He hoped he’d put out the fires but what if Colonel Philips brought it up? Why had he even said anything? Maybe he should ask Peggy out just to throw everyone off of Bucky’s trail. He looked up as Bucky entered, face still white and jaw clenched. He went straight to his cot and sat down, putting his face in his hands, letting out little whimpers.

“Buck,” Steve pleaded softly, going to stand in front of him. “What did he say?”

Bucky shoved the official looking papers roughly into Steve’s chest.

Steve looked at the documents with a sinking feeling. “Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes is hereby dismissed from active duty for an undisclosed period of time due to health issues as outlined in his medical review.”

Steve shook his head. “No,” he said softly. “I’m goin’ and talkin’ to Philips.”

Bucky looked up but Steve was gone before Bucky could stop him.

Steve strode toward the headquarters tent, the colour in his cheeks the only thing belying his heightened emotions. He was almost there when the girl of his recent ponderings appeared.

“Steve?” Her voice was confused.

“He’s sending Bucky home.” His words were clipped and sharp with his frustration.

“I know,” she said gently. “I read the report, Steve. There’s no way he’s ready to go out again.”

Steve pinched his lips into a thin line as he fought to control his temper. With a deep breath he said, “So you would deny Bucky the closure he needs with Zola’s capture? With taking Hydra down?”

“If I thought he was able,” she said slowly, “Not at all. But he’s not, Steve. It’s not just the physical aspects. He’s suffering mental trauma as well. Surely, you realize this.”

Steve didn’t want to admit he knew it. He wasn’t leaving Bucky alone to deal with things on his own. “Where is he supposed to go?” He asked angrily. “His ma can’t take him in again. She can barely feed the girls.”

Peggy sighed, digging for patience. What Steve said was probably true. Bucky would be on his own in Brooklyn. The other problem was she didn’t one hundred percent agree with the colonel either. She knew why the colonel wanted to send Bucky home but she also knew that Steve would most likely leave as well, because he’d told her, and they couldn’t afford to lose him.“If you’re going to accost the colonel, at least be respectful,” she admonished, straightening his jacket.

He gave a curt nod. “Yes ma’am.”

Colonel Philips didn’t look up when Steve burst in.

In a degree of patient annoyance he said, “Yes, Rogers? I figured you’d show after I gave Barnes the verdict.”

“You can’t send him home, sir,” Steve said, bluntly.

“Actually, I can. I’m the Colonel,” Philips said blandly. “Is that all?”

“If you send him home, I’m going as well to look after him,” Steve answered softly, resolutely. “His ma ain’t got the time or money to with four younger children.” He saluted sharply and left the tent.

Philips sat back and looked where Rogers had exited, shaking his head. The kid had brass. He was a good kid. Philips knew that. He didn’t want to send Barnes home but what was he supposed to do with a mentally unstable soldier? He was too busy to babysit.

He tapped his pen to his bottom lip. They needed Rogers. He hated to admit it but the guy had proven his worth. If they were gonna take out the Hydra bases, Rogers needed to be there. He scratched his head. They needed Rogers and if the only way Rogers would stay was if Barnes stayed, he guessed he’d find a babysitter to travel with the Commandos. That Rogers boy was always makin’ extra paperwork!

Steve stalked back to his tent and was about to walk in when he heard soft sobbing. Dammit. He stood undecided for a few moments then asked, “Hey, Buck? You decent?”

A flurry of activity sounded and then a teary voice. “Yeah, Steve.”

Steve walked in and felt his heart hurt at the dejected curve of Bucky’s back and the obvious way he tried to hide that he’d been crying. Steve sat down next to him, making the cot creak a little. “Tell me what’s wrong, honey.” He stroked Bucky’s back.

“He’s right,” Bucky whispered. “I’m useless.”

“No. You’re not,” Steve argued.

“I know you don’t see it,” Bucky continued, “But ain’t nobody gonna want a soldier who can’t keep his mind on his work or keep his pants clean. How’m I s’posed to do that, Steve? Changing here with you in the camp is one thing, but out there, everyone would know. I don’t think right either. I can’t always remember stuff.”

“I’m goin’ home with you, then,” Steve said.

“You can’t,” Bucky protested, over the pain in his throat at leaving Steve. “The Commandos need you to take down Hydra.”

Steve looked at him, tears in his eyes. “I’m not leavin’ you, Buck.”

//////

Colonel Philips looked at the Agent that insisted on making his life difficult. He knew she was there to oversee the Super soldier project. Technically, Steve was part of this, so he felt he had every right to put her into this position. “Agent Carter, I’m sending you with the Howling Commandos on their next several missions to obliterate Hydra bases.”

She frowned a little. “I’m not a soldier, sir.”

“You’re not going as a soldier,” he said with a small smirk. “I’m sending you to keep an eye on Barnes. Rogers won’t go without Barnes, Barnes can’t go without a babysitter. That’s where you come in.”

As she realized what he was saying, she gave him a small tight smile. “Very well, Colonel. Shall I inform Captain Rogers of the change in plans?”

“Yeah, do that,” Philips grinned.

Agent Carter walked out, head held high. She marched to the Captain’s tent not at all sure how she felt about her new mission. Sergeant Barnes wouldn’t take kindly to being overseen by a woman, she guessed.

“Captain Rogers,” she called, outside his tent.

Steve stepped out a moment later. “Miss Carter, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Colonel Philips wished me to inform you that he is revoking Sergeant Barnes’ dismissal orders in favour of sending him on the missions after all. I will be joining you as well.” She stood politely, waiting for him to process this information.

Steve nodded, unable to suppress the grin. “Thank you, Agent Carter. Sergeant Barnes and the Commandos will be glad to hear it.”

She nodded slightly. “Good day, Captain.” She smiled as she walked away.


	7. Chapter 7

They were set todepart two days later.Thanks to Steve’s photographic memory, which Bucky had laughed at when they thought it was a product of the serum, they knew where every damn Hydra base was.

Bucky was still stunned that they were letting him stay. He had strict instructions from the doctor and the Colonel that he could not go into any base without either Steve or Agent Carter beside him.When he’d asked why, the Colonel had looked at him impatiently. “Because I said so, Barnes.”

He’d nodded, saluted and went to get ready.

The day before they left, a young private had laughed in his face and said the pretty Agent was his babysitter, and the only reason he was here was because of Steve. Bucky had knocked the guy down with a solid punch to the jaw. When he’d hit back, Bucky had meant to pound him but Peggy had suddenly been there.

“Sergeant Barnes, come with me,” she commanded, giving Bucky pause.

His fist was raised and anger was making him shake. He slowly lowered his arm, swiping at his cut, bloodied lip.

“Private Holmes, you will report to Colonel Philips immediately.” Her voice left no room for argument.

The young man had jumped up angrily. “Why just me? He hit me first!”

All Peggy did was stare him down and he meekly went while Bucky sullenly followed Peggy into the medical tent to get the deep cut looked at.

“Why didntcha lemme hit “im again?” Bucky complained. “He was teasing me.”

“I know.” Peggy sighed. “We’re leaving tomorrow. If you can just ignore the boys from now on.”

“Is what he said true?” Bucky asked, narrowing his eyes at her.

“Does that sound like something the Colonel would approve?” She asked.

He shrugged. The colonel wasn’t exactly a sympathetic man. He must have some purpose for him. Maybe as bait for Schmidt.

Bucky was expecting to be called in for discipline as well but it didn’t happen. It confused his already fuzzy sense of reality. The anger he’d felt towards the private wasn’t a lone incident. It seemed to be always be bubbling under the surface. He didn’t like feeling so out of control.

///////

The private stood in front of the colonel, getting a royal dressing down. He knew he’d really fucked up and picked on the wrong soldier even if he’d gotten the information right. He was jealous that Barnes got to hang out with the Captain all the time. He’d thought maybe some ribbing would get the Captain to look at him at least.

“Do I make myself clear, Private?” The Colonel barked.

“Yes Sir.” He answered quickly.

“Sergeant Barnes outranks you and I expect you to respect him. What goes on between him and Agent Carter is none of your business.” The colonel gave him another searing look and the private understood very clearly that Barnes and any gossip associated with him was off limits.

He saluted and left, still wondering what it was Sergeant James Barnes was hiding after what he’d overheard in the colonel’s tent the other day when he’d followed the beautiful Agent Carter there hoping to get her attention.

////////

The dawn was barely grey when the Howlies packed the last of their gear in their packs and prepared to leave. They piled into two army jeeps, Bucky stuck between Steve and Peggy in the back seat, while Dum Dum took point and Morita drove.

Bucky squirmed a little to get comfortable. He’d just changed, so at least the flannel between his legs was soft and dry.He blushed as he thought of the one specific “medical” bag, that was labelled with Steve’s name since he was captain, that was now filled with twelve flannel diapers and five pairs of rubber pants. The bag also contained a separate heavy waterproof canvas bag that would hold the soiled diapers until he could wash them in a stream or something. 

His uniform covered his shame as long as no one looked too closely. He hated it but it would be worse to piss his pants!

The drive seemed to take forever. His mind had hazy moments and at one point he completely forgot where he was, his mind filled with images of the chair and Zola. When he jerked out of the trance like state, he whimpered without intending to.

Agent Carter immediately patted his hand comfortingly. “It’s alright, James. You’re safe.”

His breathing was a bit shaky and he wondered if they could smell that he’d wet himself.He inadvertently wrapped his fingers around her hand, clinging to the small bit of safety she represented.

Steve patted his knee. “Breathe, Bucky. You’re with me. With Steve.”

He stared at Steve, the large man. Steve was little though. Blue eyes like Steve’s. Smelled like Steve. “I thought you were smaller,” he said faintly.

Steve smiled, brushing his arm lightly. Bucky seemed to revert back to that point every time he couldn’t focus. Maybe it was a grounding point for him. “Yeah, Bucky. I used to be,” he said simply.

Bucky relaxed back again, breathing evenly.

Steve looked at Peggy. She gave him a small smile.

The first base appeared empty. Steve, Dugan, Morita and Jones went to check it out while the others hid outside.

“It’s empty,” Steve said a bit later, through the radio comms. “Comin’ out and then we’ll blow it.”

A few minutes later, the group huddled behind a low rock wall, waiting for the bomb to detonate. Peggy firmly lay her hands over Bucky’s ears, aware of how jumpy he was already.He still jumped and trembled when the bomb blew the base to smithereens.

Suddenly Bucky dissolved into tears.

Peggy told Steve to get the others into the jeeps. She held Bucky for a moment. “Shhh. It’s alright. I know that was really loud. You’re safe, luv.”

Once Bucky calmed down, Peggy got him into the vehicle again and they headed for the first camp location.

Once camp was set up in the remote location, Bucky cast Steve a pleading look and crawled into their tent.

Steve glanced at the rest of the group, setting up camp in the cold air, wanting to help it go faster, and sighed, grabbing his bags. “Be right back, guys.”

He slid into the tent to find Bucky already on his back, pants around his ankles, trying to unpin the soaked diaper with cold, shaking fingers. “S-S-Sorry Stevie. I j-j-just needed the bag,” he gasped, his teeth chattering.

“Aww, Buck,” Steve said, quickly covering him. “You’re freezing. Let me help.”

He quickly pulled the soaked diaper down, grimacing at the redness that being in a wet diaper all day gave Bucky. 

He rooted around for the small package of sanitary wipes the nurse had given him. He carefully cleaned Bucky, trying to be gentle as Bucky gasped in pain. Steve found the small tin of Desitin the nurse had also given him and though Bucky blushed deeply, Steve carefully swiped a small amount of the rash cream on the reddest areas. “Sorry, Buck,” he whispered, apologizing for the pain, the embarrassment and the cold all in one. His hands were cold too. His body was warmer since the serum but working in frigid temperatures still made his hands cool off.

Grabbing a dry diaper, he tapped Bucky’s thigh. “Lift for me, please.”

Bucky lifted his hips, face under the blanket to hide his red cheeks. Steve had seen him naked plenty times but somehow having him changing Bucky’s diaper was more intimate, embarrassing and a little frightening.

Steve pulled it snug and pinned it, careful not to poke Bucky’s skin. He slid the plastic pants back up. “There ya go. Good to go, again.”

Bucky was hastily pulling his pants into place when a quick knock was punctuated by the tent flap being pulled open and Agent Carter poked her head in.

Bucky squeaked in horror and covered his front.

“Are you boys....” She eyed Bucky’s half covered undergarments and then glanced at the medical bag. Sudden understanding dawned on her face. “Ready to eat?” She finished as though she hadn’t just walked in on the tail end of a soldier getting his diaper changed; with Steve _still_ _holding_ _the_ _damn_ _wet_ _diaper_!!

Bucky’s face was on fire as he turned his back on her to finish pulling his pants up.He wondered if he could just stay here in the tent now. Not only was Agent Carter here to make sure he didn’t kill himself or anyone else....now the woman knew just how messed up he was. She’d seen something she would never forget.He knew she wouldn’t tell anyone. But it was still mortifying to have her know! He still had some pride! Tears sprang to his eyes.He felt Steve’s hand on his shoulder.

“Sorry Bucky, I guess she wasn’t expecting anyone to be half naked at this time of day.”

Steve’s blunt words just made the tears fall. “I can’t ever look her in the eye again, Stevie. I’m so damn embarrassed.”

Steve folded him into a warm hug. “Peggy’s not like that. She’d never judge ya.”

Bucky shrugged. “This was a stupid idea. I shoulda gone home.”

“No!” Steve said sternly. “I need you here, with me.”

Bucky raised watery blue eyes to his. “What good am I?”

“You remind me why I’m doing this every day,” Steve said softly, kissing his forehead.

Bucky wasn’t convinced but finally left the tent with Steve to join the group around the crackling fire. There was a savoury pot of stew bubbling and he suddenly realized how hungry he was.

Steve sat down on the large fallen log next to Dernier and Bucky sat next to him.

Morita ladled the stew into the tin bowls and passed them around.

Peggy took a seat on the other side of Bucky, commenting calmly on the frigid weather.

He glanced at her and nodded slightly, scooping the warm stew into his mouth. “It’s cold alright. This is the Austrian alps.” He gave her a small, awkward smile. He wished she’d just say something ad get it over with. His cheeks heated up again. 

She smiled back, a genuine, warm smile that made his embarrassment wane somewhat.

They finished eating and then Bucky, Steve and Dum-Dum took some of the snow and melted it in the pot till it was warm to wash the bowls and spoons.

Once the dishes had been packed away, the group sat huddled around the fire, cracking jokes and telling stories.

Steve got up an hour later and said they needed to sleep. They had to be on the move early again. Dernier and Jones took the first watch and the others crawled into their tents.

“Peggy, will you be warm enough?” Steve asked softly, as she was about to head to her tent.

“Yes,” she answered briskly. “And if that’s a ploy to entice me into your tent, Captain Rogers, I’m quite alright on my own.”

Steve blushed. “No! No. That’s not what I meant...”

She smiled a little. “Goodnight, Steve. Good night James.”

Bucky crawled into his bedroll and waited while Steve got comfortable before snuggling up to him on the hard ground.

Steve wrapped his solid arm around Bucky and pulled him close. “Good night Buck.”

“‘Night, Steve,” he murmured, drifting off. He was warm, not hungry and he was still dry. Maybe things would be okay.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies, this chapter was so difficult for some reason. If something seems messed up please let me know. I’ve edited it about 70 times, which usually means it’s starting to get worse rather than better.

A few mornings later, Steve woke Bucky first.“Let’s get ya changed quick, bud.” It had become their routine.

Bucky scrubbed at his eyes. “Whazzat?” His brain wasn’t anywhere near awake.

Without waiting any longer, Steve quickly stripped his pants off.

Bucky whined in protest. The tent was freezing.

“You’re very wet, honey,” Steve said, unpinning the diaper.

To Bucky’s chagrin, his bladder decided that the cold air wasn’t comfortable and he almost peed on Steve!!

Steve quickly covered him and then just chuckled a little. “That’s what I get for trying to change you before you’re properly awake.”

Steve had him in a dry diaper soon and he yanked his pants back up hurriedly while Steve tossed the wet diaper into the bag.

“Steve, I need ta tell ya something.” Bucky swallowed hard. “The- the times when I kinda grey out or black out and can’t remember stuff, it’s gettin’ worse.”

The tall blonde nodded. He had noticed the lapses over the last few days. Because of this, Peggy had become Bucky’s constant companion. They talked about everything except the awkward encounter the first night.

“I don’t know what ta do,” Bucky said anxiously. “What if I forget who you are Stevie?”

“If you forget me I’ll remind you.” Steve brushed the back of his hand across Bucky’s cheek. “We’ll figure it out, Buck,” he soothed.

They quickly washed their hands with melted snow and then Steve started waking the others.

Peggy was already up, stirring breakfast over the fire.

Bucky sat on the log, thankful for his warmer jacket. He shivered a little in the deep chill of morning. Sleeping on snow covered ground for four nights had made him chilled.

“Did you sleep well?” She asked.

Bucky looked up at her and nodded.He wished Steve would hurry up. It was still awkward with just the two of them. He tried not to get caught with just her outside of mission time.

“James,” she said softly, “I wasn’t going to say anything but it’s obviously bothering you. You don’t need to feel embarrassed.The Colonel sent me to make sure you stayed safe and that also means making sure you’re not tearing yourself apart over this. You have no judgement from me.”

Bucky blushed deeply and didn’t look at her straight away because he was still so embarrassed. “You caught me with my pants down,” he whispered, hanging his head.

Peggy sat beside him for a moment. “That was on me. I’m sorry I made it so awkward.But really. There’s nothing to be ashamed about.”

Bucky slowly met her eyes. They were open and honest and no hint of laughter. “Thanks, Peggy,” he smiled, feeling better. It also eased the awkwardness a fraction.

Dum Dum joined them then, stopping the conversation. “Mornin, Sarge, Miss Carter. So I guess today we’re hittin’ the last factory where they were making that serum.”

Bucky felt as if he’d been gut punched. His vision blurred and memories of the chair came tumbling back in a vivid, swirling rush. The pain, the burning, the aching. The wetting that inevitably accompanied it. He was spiralling. Losing reality. Aw shit. Not again. The familiar feeling of falling away from conscious thought washed over him.

He felt tender grounding fingers on his shoulder and tried to grasp the touch but it wasn’t enough.

“Breathe, James. Breathe for me.” Her voice was gentle.

Bucky tried but his breath was just short, desperate little gasps for oxygen. He vaguely heard her tell Dum Dum to get Steve quickly. Darkness was coming up fast and he was helpless to stop it. He whimpered then collapsed limply against her.

Peggy hid her worry and stroked Bucky’s sweaty forehead. “Stay with me, James.”

Steve came running, his face pale with worry.“What happened?”

“A memory, I think,” she answered. “He’s not hearing me right now. We need to ground him somehow.”

Steve pulled him into a tight embrace and placed his warm lips against Bucky’s cold cheek and then against Bucky’s lips. “Bucky.” His whisper was soft. “Please, hear my voice.”

Bucky kissed back slowly, coming up from wherever he’d dropped into. He slowly stirred then half opened his eyes. “Stevie? Why’d ya kiss me? We playin’ a game?” He looked around. “Where are we? Where’s my ma?” He looked back at Steve and then suddenly scrambled back out of Steve’s grasp, his eyes huge and terrified. “You ain’t Stevie! Who are you?”

Steve sighed. Damn you Zola!! Once again, Bucky didn’t know who he was. But Steve was prepared. “I am Stevie,” he said softly. “You just don’t remember.”

Peggy went to his side, murmuring soft words of comfort. “It’s alright Bucky.You’re safe.”

He looked at her, still obviously scared and went into her embrace, casting fearful looks at the other soldiers who had now gathered for breakfast. She was his safe person.

They were all trying to act normal in the face of this newest meltdown but Steve could feel the questions that weren’t being asked. The team had been watching Bucky the past four days and Steve knew they hadn’t missed the odd behaviour. “Everyone have a seat and I’ll explain,” he said quietly.

Peggy sat off to one side with Bucky clinging to her hand while she encouraged him to eat some of the bland oatmeal.

“What’s wrong with Sarge?” Gabe Jones finally whispered when everyone had settled down with their oatmeal and a cup of coffee. “I’ve been seeing him act off in the past because of stuff but this is different.”

“As far as I can tell, whatever Zola did to him while he had him, messed up his mind. He hasn’t been able to tell us yet what he went through. It causes his brain to kinda short circuit I think.” Steve knew it wasn’t a great explanation but he didn’t really know either.

The soldiers nodded in understanding.

“I’ll help ya protect him!” Gabe declared.

There was a general affirmative as the rest nodded emphatically.

“No one’s gonna hurt ‘im no more!” Jacques declared.

Peggy smiled at the adamant promise. She had managed to get Bucky to eat his breakfast.

“Where’s my ma?” He asked for the tenth time.

“She’s not here right now,” Peggy said. “You’re in the army, Bucky. You’re part of the Howling Commandos.”

He giggled a little. “No! Stevie and I jus play soldiers sometimes.”

She smiled. “That guy over there is Stevie.”

Bucky shook his head. “You’re lyin’! Stevie’s small and kinda sickly. That guy’s big!”

Peggy stayed with Bucky while the others dismantled and packed up the camp. She tried to fathom what had happened. Had his mental function and capability just regressed to a child like state? They honestly couldn’t keep a child in a war zone.

“Let’s go get in the Jeep, honey,” she instructed.

He stood up, holding tight to her hand then suddenly stopped, looking at her with confusion.

“What’s wrong?” She looked him over wondering if he was having another memory lapse, afraid that she was losing him.

“I jus...I jus peed my pants!” Tears filled his eyes and rolled down his cheeks.

“Hush, darling,” she comforted. “No one will know. You’re safe. You’re protected.” She hugged him, feeling her maternal instincts kick in.

He looked so confused and flustered she wished she could explain so he would understand.

She guided him to the Jeep and put himin next to Steve. “Sit tight by Steve, luv. I need to talk to the Colonel for two minutes.

He cast a long, suspicious look at Steve. “You ain’t Steve.”

When Peggy returned he put his head on Peggy’s shoulder, curling into her side for comfort.

Steve didn’t try to engage him, letting him stare at Steve’s wide chest and shoulders. Bucky seemed to be stuck in some younger version of himself. Steve wished very much he had Dr. Erskine to talk to! He would know what was wrong with Bucky. The man had been brilliant. He was also dead.

“Steve,” Peggy said, “After this one, Colonel’s pulling everyone in for a quick debrief.”

Steve caught her eye and raised an eyebrow in question but she said nothing further on the matter. “Is the factory we’re taking down now up and running?”

“I think so,” Steve said.

Bucky still looked disgruntled. “Ain’t Steve.”

“And why can I not be Steve?” He asked, chucking Bucky gently under the chin.

Bucky pondered that a moment. “Steve’s little. And he ain’t in th’ army. Is this a dream?”

Steve felt bad for him. He was very disoriented. “Bucky, Zola messed with your head.”

Bucky frowned. “Zola?” The name sounded somewhat familiar. His head felt so fuzzy and full of cobwebs. “This is real? I’m in a army? Like fer real?” His lower lip wobbled dangerously.

Steve put an arm around his shoulders. “Hey. Listen to me. I’m not gonna let you get hurt. On the days you feel like you can shoot a gun, we’ll let you. Peggy and I will look after you.”

“A gun?” Bucky asked in a small voice. “I know how ta shoot a gun. My pa taught me. What kind?”

Steve looked at Morita for answers. He might be called Captain but he wasn’t really well versed in the gun department.

“You use a Springfield M19,” he smiled. “Nice, strong sniper rifle.”

“I’m a sniper,” Bucky said with slight awe. “Oh...”

As they talked artillery, Bucky started to become more animated. He’d always loved guns and he was good at what he did.

Peggy noted the change in him and was glad. Whatever had triggered the youngster in him had melted back inwards. This next mission they could definitely use a sniper.

When they reached the targeted factory, Steve asked Peggy to stay with Bucky wherever he set up. The rest of them silently crept up on the building.

It didn’t take long for the smoke bomb to chase the Hydra workers out of the building. The Howlies opened fire from their hiding spots, dropping the enemy quickly and efficiently.

Bucky jumped instinctively at the first shot but then watched the activity with Peggy by his side. He watched as Steve and Gabe crept out into the open. He saw the Hydra sniper before they did. “Peggy,” he whispered, pointing.

She nodded a quick affirmative.

He fired, watching the body drop out of the third story window, startling, Dernier into jumping and screaming rather delicately.

Peggy laughed softly at the French soldier’s high pitched exclamation and Bucky grinned at her.

Some of the Hydra personnel were captured to be shipped back to the United States. Once the enemy was subdued, the Commandos disappeared into the factory.

Bucky and Peggy talked with easy camaraderiefor a few minutes while the guys rigged the large building to blow.

When Steve came out and gave the signal, Peggy pulled Bucky tightly to her chest so he could hear her heartbeat and her hand was pressed to his other ear. “It’s going to be loud,” she warned.

He relaxed and closed his eyes. He still jumped half a foot when the first explosion went, making his eyes water as the desire to burst into tears filled him. Every damn time.He had to quit being such a big baby! The next explosion was louder and he jerked again, whining deep in his throat with distress at the noise. Why was it bothering him so much? It almost hurt his ears even though they were covered. The tremors made his body feel dizzy.

“Shhh.” He heard Peggy’s voice through her body.

Finally the explosions stopped. When a hand was laid on his shoulder he winced and whimpered, before quickly covering his mouth and apologizing. “Sorry Gabe.”

“It’s alright, Sarge. You okay?”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah. Just...just...” He had to stop and untangle his brain to think of the right words for a moment. “It was real loud. I’m a little jumpy.”

“Sure was,” Dugan laughed. “We’re all a little on edge.”

Once they were all back in the vehicles, Peggy told them they had been ordered to go to Salzburg. Colonel Philips was meeting them there. There was a change in plans.

“A change?” Steve asked.

“They intercepted a Hydra communication from Zola,” Peggy said.

Steve nodded. “Alright. It’ll give everyone a chance to get a good nights sleep.”

There was happy banter and celebrating on the way to Salzburg. The men were excited for hot water and a night at the bar.

The Colonel met them at a hotel and told them all to shower. “You guys look like somethin’ the cat wouldn’t even drag in,” he commented, pairing them up. There were two guys to a room.

Steve and Bucky were together of course. They both shaved to take away the week long growth.

The hotel room was warm and Bucky basked in the feeling of the plush carpet under his toes while he considered how good the shower would feel. 

He stripped down, tossing his clothes in the corner. “Stevie, wanna shower with me?” He asked.

Steve wasted no time getting his filthy clothes off. He eyed Bucky’s lean body appreciatively.When he’d joined Bucky under the hot spray, he was very conscious of the movements Bucky was making as he washed himself thoroughly.

Steve tried not to dwell too deeply on the hard lines of muscle brushing up against his back. Until he felt Bucky’s hands on his hips and those sweet lips on his neck.

“Hey, Stevie,” he said lowly with a soft chuckle. “You mind if I explore this new body of yours?”

He slowly turned around, blushing at Bucky’s soft whistle. 

“Is this permanent?” Bucky asked eagerly.

Steve had to laugh then. “Far as I know, yeah.”

Bucky turned the water off and grabbed two towels, tossing one at Steve.“Later, honey. I know the colonel expects us downstairs for a debrief.”

Steve got dressed, trying not to watch Bucky putting on his diaper. It still embarrassed him greatly so Steve tried to keep his eyes away, until he heard a frustrated, “Ow! Dammit!”

Steve came around to his side of the bed. “Here, sweetheart.”

Bucky was sucking the end of his thumb and pouting. “Those pins are so sharp!”

Steve swallowed a laugh at the whine. “They have to be.” He pinned the diaper then gave Bucky a clean pair of plastic pants. “We’ll be able to do laundry tomorrow.”

When they were both fully dressed, they hurried downstairs to the waiting group.

Everyone smelled a lot better.

Colonel Philips motioned them to a private conference room where dinner had already been laid out for them. 

The group fell ravenously on the fried chicken and mashed potatoes.While they ate, the colonel showed them the bases that were still out there.

“Colonel, have you heard anything about where the Red Skull might be hiding?” Jones asked.

Bucky shuddered beside Steve. “He’s ugly.”

Steve had to agree. “We haven’t seen hide nor hair of him. He always seems to be gone before we get there.”

Philips frowned. “There’s one place on the map that’s deep in the Alps. Heavily fortified. I’m thinking that might be his hideout.”

The team grew quiet. “You think he knows that you have that information?” Peggy asked.

“I’m pretty sure he does,” Colonel said. “But there is one other thing. Stark intercepted a Hydra communication. Zola’s travelling on Hydra’s damn Schnellzug train.”

Everyone slowly looked at Bucky.

He frowned and fought the rising wave of darkness that always accompanied the name. “So let’s plan a raid,” he said softly. “I want him.”

His jaw was clenched so tightly Steve was afraid he’d break his teeth.

Peggy rubbed a comforting hand between his shoulders.

They talked a bit longer, planning the raid on the train and then the men decided to hit the local bar to get drunk. Bucky couldn’t agree more.

Dangerous thoughts were swirling in his head that he wanted to drown before he blacked out again. Maybe getting drunk would stop it.

Steve went with them, nursing a beer while the others downed pint after pint, laughing and getting rowdier as the drinks drowned their inhibitions.Except Bucky.He joined in the laughter and the jokes but his laughter was hollow.

Steve saw him drink as much as the others, but he didn’t even get tipsy. It made him wonder even more what Zola had done. Maybe Bucky was more like Steve now than he even knew. Except he’d endured torture instead of gentle guidance.After several hours, he guided a sober, quiet Bucky back to the hotel room.

“I know the feeling,” he said softly. “Feels weird to drink and not get buzzed.”

Bucky’s eyes snapped to his. “Why? What’d they do ta me?”

“It’s the serum.” Steve got a fresh diaper out. “You want me ta change ya? You’re pretty shaky.”

Bucky noted then that his hands were, indeed, shaking uncontrollably. The darkness was going from swirling thoughts to an impossible crushing weight on his psyche till nothing made sense. “Stevie, it’s coming. I got.. I gotta...” He closed his eyes to try and think. “Gotta ask-“ His brain refused to put words together and again the tears were starting. Seemed about the only thing he could do on a regular basis was cry and piss himself. He vaguely thought of the man at the heart of his dark nightmare. “Gotta ask Zo-Zola.” He closed his eyes, letting the tears leak down his face and into his hair.

Steve stroked his arm for a moment and then stripped his pants off and changed his soaked diaper.

Bucky hardly noticed. He couldn’t register much at the moment. Everything seemed far away from reality. He couldn’t understand Steve’s words.

Steve pulled his plastic pants back into place and gently stroked Bucky’s face. “Can you hear me, honey?”

“Stevie?” He asked in a far away whisper.

“Yeah, baby,” Steve answered.

“I wan’ Peggy,” he whimpered. Peggy always knew how to make him feel better.

Steve sighed. “Alright. I’ll be right back.” He knew Peggy was three doors down next to the Colonel. He knocked gently, aware that it was late.

He heard immediate voices and wondered if he’d interrupted something. He blushed at the thought.

She opened the door in civilian clothes, her makeup still intact.

The Colonel came to the door. “Thanks for the nightcap, Carter. See you in the morning.”

Steve watched him walk away then turned to Peggy. “I’m sorry to bother you. Bucky’s askin’ for you.”

She frowned a little. “For me?”

He nodded. “I can tell ‘im no,” he added hastily. “Guess I shoulda just done that.”

“No.” Peggy stopped him. “I’ll come. Is he alright?”

Steve shook his head. “He kinda went into his own head a few minutes ago.”

Peggy grabbed a few things from her room then closed the door. “He needs me. That’s why I’m here.”

Bucky was crying when they got back. He was unable to talk. He just cried.

“Can you sit with him leaning against you?” She asked briskly.

Steve nodded, scrambling to sit down and pull Bucky up and against his chest. “Sorry I shoulda put his pants back on,” he said.

Peggy shrugged. “I’m more worried about pulling him out of his current state.”

Steve held Bucky’s limp body firmly. He was still keening softly, unaware of anyone else.

“Bucky,” Peggy said, “What is the meaning of this? We talked about how you were going to take Zola down. We had a plan. Do you remember the plan, darling?” Her voice was soft and gentle.

Steve smiled and buried his lips in Bucky’s soft hair.

Bucky stirred a little at her touch. “Mama?” He murmured.

Peggy’s eyes flashed to Steve’s in wild questioning.

He had no idea what to do either.

“It’s Peggy, darling,” she corrected.

He leaned toward her, whining softly.

“Let’s lay down with him,” Peggy suggested.

Steve helped her get the covers turned back and they sandwiched Bucky between them. He made a small contented sound and promptly fell asleep.

“You think he’ll wake up if I get up?” Peggy whispered a few minutes later. 

Steve shrugged. “I’ll deal with it. Go ahead. Thanks Peggy.”

She leaned across Bucky and softly kissed him. “If you need me, come knock.”

When she was gone, Steve stayed beside Bucky, cuddling him. “What did Zola do, Buck. And why? I wish I had answers.” After a moment’s thought he added darkly. “I’ll get answers.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a doozy. Not only word count but a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Please stay and read on. It will be worth it.. I promise <3

Two days later, with laundry freshly washed and repacked, the team prepared to go on their raid.

They had gone over it a hundred times. It was going to be risky. The train that Zola was taking was fast. It was powered by unnatural resources and could move at almost lightning speeds.

Peggy stayed close to Bucky even though he seemed to be functioning normally. He was single minded in his mission now.

The soldiers were somewhat subdued as they parked the jeeps at the base of the mountain and began the long hike up the steep path in the morning sunlight.

Consumed at this point with wanting answers, Bucky asked Jones, “You’re sure Zola’s on this train?”

Jones nodded. “He is. I’ll confirm once we get to our jump point. He contacted someone else saying he was going to be coming through the tunnel here at 2:35 pm. We want to be there to get on that train.”

Bucky nodded. “I want to grab him and make him answer my questions!”

“You’ll get your answers, honey,” Peggy reassured him, giving his shoulder a comforting squeeze. 

When they finally made it to the jump point, everyone’s nerves were tight with adrenaline. 

“It’s gonna be a tight jump,” Steve said.

Jones nodded. “Bugs on a windshield if we miss.”

Bucky swallowed nervously. “That’s really high up. I’m not great with heights. You’ll stay with me, right ,Steve?”

”You don’t have to go,” Dugan said immediately. “I’ll go for ya.”

“I’m gonna take care of you, Buck. I promise,” Steve said solemnly.

Bucky tried not to stare at the dizzying drop. “I’ll be okay. I’m with Stevie. He’ll look after me.”

“He’d better,” Peggy said, looking at Steve sternly. “We’ll see you guys on the other side.” She gave Bucky a squeeze. “Be careful.”

Dum Dum patted Bucky’s shoulder. “He’s gotcha. And you got Gabe too. You’ll be fine, Sarge.”

Bucky nodded with a wan smile. “I know.”

Steve hooked his handle bars to the line as he saw the train appear. “Dernier? Count me off.”

Jacques watched carefully and motioned for him to go.

“Sarge, go next,” Gabe said. “I’ll be right behind ya.”

Bucky nodded, hooking his bar to the line with a deep breath.

Dernier said, “Go.”

Bucky felt the cold wind rushing in his face and his stomach fell instantly at the speed but in a few moments he felt the solidness of the armoured train car under his feet and Steve’s hand on his arm, steadying him.

He tried not to look at the sheer cliff on one side.It made him nauseous with anxiety.

Gabe landed shortly after and the three ran lightly to the nearest entrance where Steve bashed the door open with his shield.

He and Bucky slipped inside, guns ready. Their mission was to distract the guards so Gabe could get to Zola.

Bucky blinked rapidly, feeling a grey cloud pushing at his mind when he saw the black masks of the guards. It reminded him of being strapped to that fucking table.

He fought hard, shooting as fast as he could. He heard Steve shooting too. He couldn’t go under here! He was so close to finally getting some answers! He shot more guards down, not caring where he hit them, as long as they went down. His brain was fighting against him.

“Steve,” he whimpered.

Steve was having his own issues. He’d shot, punched and kicked his way through about ten guards already when he turned to see how Bucky was doing.

Bucky was sitting on the floor shooting wildly, his face flushed.

Steve’s first thought was that he’d been hit and he threw his shield at the current shooter in Bucky’svicinity.

“You okay?” Steve gasped, trying to keep up.

“Just- need a minute.” Bucky pushed to his feet, breathing hard.

Without warning a guard dropped in and Steve recognized the bomb as it rolled towards them. He tried to dive at it, to cover it with his shield but he was too far away.

The explosion rocked the car, blowing out one side of the car. Steve frantically rubbed at the smoke in his eyes. “Bucky!” He yelled.

“Steve!!” Came a panicked scream from outside the car. 

Steve leapt to the jagged hole and saw Bucky dangling from the handrail of the ruined train car, holding on desperately.

“Hold on!!” Steve yelled, adrenaline coursing through him. He leaned out as far as he could, stretching across the outside of the rocking vehicle. He grabbed at Bucky, his fingers just a few inches short. He looked back for a second to try to get more traction then turned to Bucky again.

The handrail started to bend and Steve’s eyes widened. “No!! Buck! Grab my hand!”

“Steve! I’m scared!” Bucky screamed, reaching for him frantically.

The handrail gave way at that moment and Bucky fell, his screams ringing in Steve’s ears as he clung to the outside of the rocketing train. He stared in shock. This wasn’t happening. It was a nightmare. 

 

Hours later, Steve sat like a statue at the hotel in Salzburg, silent and dry eyed. The colonel and the rest of the team tried to draw him out but he didn’t respond.

“He’s in shock,” Peggy said quietly. Her eyes were red from crying.

Colonel Philips shook his head in disbelief.He knew first hand how hard it was to lose a close friend. Sometimes you just didn’t come back from that. From Rogers’ face he’d lost two good soldiers in one day.

“I’m going to take Zola back to the United States for questioning,” he said finally. “The Commandos might as well come back to base for a bit till we get Rogers figured out.”

“I’ll stay with him,” Peggy said.

The colonel nodded, leaving the room to do what he needed to.

The other Commandos slowly went to their rooms while Peggy stayed with Steve. They felt shocked and overwhelmed with the events of the day. All of them were rather glad they were going back with the colonel in the morning so they didn’t have to see Cap’s blank dead stare again.

Peggy talked intermittently to Steve and fed him a bit of soup at dinner which he swallowed obediently. When she told him it was time to sleep, he lay down but he remained awake beside her, unable to process what had happened.

For four days, Peggy looked after Steve while he tried to recover. She was becoming afraid that she had lost him too,mentally anyway.

On the fourth day, he woke her at four in the morning, sobbing in loud, broken cries, hands pressing into his face but unable to stop the sounds a broken heart makes.

She was so thankful. He would be okay eventually. She held him and they cried together for several hours.

He clung to her, the only word he whispered occasionally was “Bucky,” before crying again.

She understood.

Then, finally, he slept. She stayed beside him while he slept for a full seventy two hours.

When he woke up, his voice was back as was his mind.Or so she thought, until he uttered his first statement.

“I’m going to go look for his body.”

“Steve! Are you out of your mind?” She asked, shocked. “It’s been a week. There will be nothing left.”

Steve looked at her, his jaw set. “I don’t care. I’m gonna go look. I have to Peggy.”

“The Colonel won’t agree.”

“I don’t care,” he said again. He looked down, fingering his dog tags. “I can’t go back to his ma with nothin’.” He looked at her. “You can tell Philips whatever you want.”

“I’m not telling him anything,” she said. “I’m staying with you. I’m not letting you go through this alone.”

He shrugged. “I’m gonna go shower and then I’m getting ready to leave.”

While he showered, Peggy pondered this course of action. She knew grief was a strong, driving force behind his plan. With a sigh, she called the base and left a message for the commander to give them a few more days.

Steve was unnaturally quiet as they started out. Without a vehicle, it would take longer, but Steve didn’t care. He needed the time to think. He wasn’t going up the mountain this time. He was going down. They purchased snowshoes and then started on their way. They did end up getting a ride from a kind gentleman several miles, before nightfall. They would only need to walk another four or five in the morning.

They pitched a single tent, huddling together for warmth. The mountain glistened, mockingly to Steve’s eyes, to their right. Neither of them slept anyway so after only four hours of rest, they got up, bundled into their coats again and started off in the grey morning light.

When the cliffs came in sight, Steve stopped. Tears welled in his eyes. “I promised him, Peggy. How could I let him fall?”

“I know,” she said, putting her gloved hand in his. “He would’ve known you did what you could.”

“He was so scared,” Steve continued. He dried his tears before they froze on his cheeks. “Let’s go.”

It took many hours to slowly make their way down the steep cliff to the bottom of the snowy ravine. Steve looked up at the railway far above them. He’d held out a small hope that Bucky might have survived but if he had, a week was too long. He would have been severely injured, even with the serum. Once again tears blurred his vision when he almost tripped over the handrail mostly buried in the snow.

Peggy squeezed his hand.

Steve held it for a long minute, remembering Bucky’s last moments. He started to cry in earnest this time.

Peggy held him tightly and cried with him.

When Steve had regained control of his emotions, they walked a bit further before Peggy spied a bit of bright blue fabric from Bucky’s jacket. She pulled and they soon discovered it was the left sleeve, torn jaggedly above the elbow, bloodied from whatever had happened.

Steve felt his stomach clench so hard at this obvious clue that Bucky was dead. He fell to his knees in the snow. “No,” he whispered softly, cradling the sleeve to his cheek. “No, Buck. I can’t lose you.” He was cried out but his heart still hurt desperately.

Peggy watched him as he vomited from the emotional upheaval. She could offer no comfort that would even touch this kind of deep pain.

He finally stood up, hollow with guilt and grief. “We’ll go this way.” He pointed along the bottom of the ravine. “It will be easier than trying to climb back up.”

Peggy nodded, following him. They were silent, neither having any words worth saying in this place. They had walked quite some time when Steve’s snowshoe caught on a brush root and he stumbled.

He was about to get up when his gloved hand brushed something metal caught on the root. He carefully cleared the snow away and gulped back fresh tears. Bucky’s dog tags! He had to stop crying in front of Peggy. His face felt swollen and his eyes hurt.

“How the hell did they end up all the way out here?” He muttered. He slowly got up, showing them to Peggy.

She looked at them for a long while. “That’s odd. His sleeve was back there where he fell. But his dog tags are here by this little road?” She motioned to the fresh truck tracks in the snow, leading seemingly into the mountain.

“Who uses this road? Where does it go?” Steve asked, cautious hope in his voice.

Peggy shrugged one shoulder. “I don’t know.”

The sun set early in the mountains and dusk was purpling the sky. However, Steve had no intention of leaving this stone unturned.

“What if someone found him?”

Peggy smiled. “I know we both want that, but it’s a long shot.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah. But I’m taking it anyway.” His heart was beating hard.

The sound of a vehicle made them both drop down quickly.It was a covered army truck of some sort.“I’m getting on,” he whispered.

Without hesitation, she joined him in launching themselves into the back of the truck that was rolling along the narrow road.

Steve quickly looked around, seeing the Hydra symbol stamped on certain things, eyeing the metal coils, a coffin like contraption and other strange heavy pieces. “It’s Hydra! Wonder what they’re building?!”

His voice was low but heavy with anger. They had cost him his dearest friend. He would avenge Bucky to his last breath!

“How can we take on a whole Hydra base on our own?” Peggy asked, examining some high tech guns off to the side. “At least we have weapons.”

Steve was about to answer when he felt the truck slow down, it’s gears grinding heavily. He held Peggy steadily and then, on impulse, kissed her.

She looked at him, wide eyed, then pulled him back for another kiss. “Steve,” she whispered against his chest, “If this goes pear shaped, please know that I love you. I always have.”

He looked at her, knowing that they had limited time. “I love you too,” he whispered, giving her another quick kiss. “C’mon. Let’s jump and get the heck outta here.”

Steve peeked out and then nodded quickly. They hopped silently out of the truck, making their way towards the large storage facility where similar trucks were being unloaded. It reminded him of Azzano. He couldn’t cry now!

He grasped Peggy’s hand and they hurried through the storage tent towards a door that seemed to lead to an inner building.

On opening it a bit, Steve saw something that made him wonder what Schmidt had in mind! It was a plane that was being loaded with bombs of some sort! “What is he up to?” He murmured. There weren’t many people so Steve took Peggy’s hand. “Let’s just walk.”

The activity didn’t cease as they nonchalantly walked through, towards another door.

This one, however, when it opened, had several guards who looked surprised just before Peggy vaporized them.

“Mother of Mary!” She exclaimed. “What kind of gun is this?”

“An effective one!” Steve answered, as they started to run through the winding corridor.

He had temporarily forgotten about avenging Bucky in his quest to figure out what Red Skull planned to do with those bombs. Little did he know, the bombs would be the last thing on his mind a few seconds later. 


	10. Chapter 10

Peggy looked around the darkspace wishing she had more than a gun.

Steve had his shield and was ready to use it.

As they moved down the corridor, it seemed to be empty of guards and other Hydra agents. It seemed odd.

“Where is everyone?” Steve asked, echoing her thoughts.

“I was wondering the same thing,” she murmured.

They paused at a side hallway where there was a lot of noise.

Steve looked at her and headed down that way. “I think they’re all here. Wonder what’s going on?”

Peggy shrugged.

There was so much yelling and noise going on.

Men yelling orders, someone screaming out for a technician, what sounded like bodies hitting solid walls.

She raised her gun as they moved forward slowly.

Steve had his shield raised, waiting for the door to crash open at any second and for them to be attacked. It sounded like there was a war going on in the room.

Then they both froze as they heard an unmistakable, panicked voice scream “I want Peggy!!”

Steve couldn’t breathe for a moment. He swallowed and swallowed again trying to make his dry throat work. “Bucky,” he whispered out brokenly.

Peggy’s brown eyes were wide with disbelief. “Why does Hydra have him? How did they get him?”

Steve was trying to come to terms with the fact that Bucky was in Hydra’s hands. It finally registered and he charged the metal door like an angry bull, ready to take down anyone he needed to to get to Bucky.

Peggy had her gun raised, ready to get to her precious charge.

Chaos reigned. The room was full of people and no one even noticed them.

It was a mess. There was blood everywhere, dead or unconscious bodies and more people screaming for others to do something.

In the midst of the pandemonium was Bucky Barnes, wild eyed, swinging a wicked looking metal arm, knocking down anyone and everyone who came within reach.

“Where’s Peggy!?” He screamed, tears running freely down his face and dripping onto his bare chest. “I want Peggy!” He whirled around, screaming in pain as an agent grabbed at the metal arm.He tossed the agent effortlessly across the room. “Stop hurting me!”

Another agent stepped forward to try and placate him.

Peggy’s face was wet with tears of her own. “I’m here, baby,” she said, loudly enough to be heard.

If it hadn’t been so ridiculous, Steve might have laughed. It was as though time froze. No one moved other than to slowly turn to stare at the new voice.

Every Hydra agent and technician looked at them but didn’t know what to do between Bucky’s freaking out, Steve’s shield and Peggy’s gun.

Bucky saw her and ran towards her, still sobbing. “Help!” He wrapped his arms around her.

Steve grabbed the metal arm to stop him from squeezing, before he could hurt Peggy. “Hey buddy.”

“Steve! They hurt me!” Bucky’s eyes were full of betrayal.

Steve pulled him into a tight hug then. “I’m sorry, Buck! I am! We have to go!”

“Where?” Bucky asked.

“Red Skull is going to destroy New York,” Steve said in a rush.

They started to leave but suddenly Red Skull was in their way.

Steve immediately put Bucky and Peggy behind him.

“You don’t give up, do you,” Schmidt said, angrily. “You can’t stop me. I have a purpose. I will rule this world!!”

“Not on my watch!” Steve declared. “It’s my duty to stop you. Or die trying.”

“Then die!!” The Red Skull fired a gun and only Steve’s quick reflex deflected the vaporizing ray off of his shield.

Schmidt started to run down the corridor towards the hangar where they’d first seen the plane. Steve followed, shouting for Peggy to bring Bucky.

Bucky and Peggy raced after him, Peggy shooting guards as fast as she could.

“You got another gun?” Bucky yelled, trying to duck and punch.

Peggy didn’t look as she roughly kicked a guard down with a well aimed boot to the chest. “Yes. Right there.”

He chuckled breathlessly, grabbing the gun from the unconscious man’s hands.

With Bucky’s help, they caught up with Steve who was following Red Skull into the Valkyrie. The huge bomber was already loaded and running.

There were guards everywhere.

Steve was still deflecting shots as he chased Red Skull and he could hear Bucky and Peggy behind him.

Peggy and Bucky shout in a wide circle, then ran to catch Steve before the loading door shut.

He was hanging on the door desperately waiting for them. The plane was starting to move but they caught up. He grabbed Bucky and tossed him and then Peggy in before rolling in himself just before the door sealed itself.

They looked around, taking a moment to breathe.

“What the hell did they do to your arm?” Steve whispered to Bucky.

Bucky shrugged. “When I fell, I blacked out. I kinda remember waking up and they were cutting off my arm. I blacked out again.”

“Oh gosh...” Steve murmured sympathetically. “I’m so sorry Bucky.”

“You came for me,” Bucky smiled a little.

Peggy patted his shoulder. “I’m so glad you’re alive! Steve we have a bigger problem.”

She pointed to the main part of the plane.

He looked, spotting the bombs that Schmidt planned to use for wiping out a good portion of the United States and other places.

Steve stared silently at Bucky and Peggy.

They were hidden from view at the moment and were able to take out the few guards that were on the bomber.

“Red Skull must be up at the front,” Steve whispered.

“We have to get rid of those bombs!” Peggy said, her brown eyes wide. “This man is insane.”

Steve nodded.

Working together, Bucky and Steve managed to release the bombs over the ocean and watched them plummet, blowing water in huge plumes as they exploded.

Red Skull was suddenly right there when Steve turned back.

Steve glanced around a bit but figured Peggy must have hidden to protect Bucky.

Red Skull was roaring angrily at Steve. “Can’t you see that you are standing in the way of progress?”

“Killing people isn’t progress,” Steve argued, ducking behind his shield as Schmidt fired again and again.

As they battled Steve knew he needed to win. He couldn’t let Schmidt live.

He found the tesseract where Schmidt had it set in a strange contraption. He knew from Stark’s knowledge it was unstable energy. “This is dangerous!”

The Red Skull suddenly grabbed the glowing blue cube, gloating. “You don’t know what is good!”

His laugh turned to screaming before he suddenly disappeared into red mist.

Steve would have sighed with relief but he now had a bomber going at a very high speed aiming for New York.

“Peggy, Bucky,” he called. “Red Skull is gone.”

They came to the front, taking in the situation quickly.

“Can we land this bird?” Bucky asked, looking at Steve. 

Steve frowned. “I think if we try, we’re gonna end up killing a lot of people.”

“Then we don’t land it,” Bucky said quietly, after a moment. “We do what we have to for our country.”

Peggy nodded in agreement. “That’s all we wanted when we signed up anyway.”

They were quiet for a few moments and then Peggygot onto the radio with the Colonel. “We found Barnes alive. We stopped Schmidt and we are commandeering the Valkyrie, sir.”

After a long pause he asked, “How the hell did you manage it?” 

“Long story, Colonel,” she said. “I don’t have time to tell it all.” 

“What do you mean?” He asked in confusion. 

“The Valkyrie is going to fast to stop.” Peggy swallowed hard. 

“You want me to find you a safe landing?” He asked. “ I’ll find you a landing site.”

Peggy gave Steve a long look.

He shook his head.

“No sir,” she responded bravely. “We don’t have time. We have to put it in the water. It’ll be alright.”

Another long minute of silence passed and then the Colonel said, “You did well, Agent. Captain, Sergeant, you are all awarded high honours for serving your country.” His voice broke slightly at the last.

“Thank you, Sir,” Peggy said, struggling to keep her voice steady as well.

Steve pointed the nose of the bomber down and then pulled Peggy and Bucky into a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry its ending this way.” He kissed Peggy and then he kissed Bucky.

They put their heads together, preparing for the inevitable.

“Hey, at least I get to die with both of you together,” Bucky smiled.

Steve nodded. “Yeah. I agree.”

“Love you guys,” Peggy whispered, her eyes closed.

“Love you,” they whispered back.

A minute later, the bomber crashed through the ice and into the frigid water below.

The three occupants were knocked out, but still firmly held in each other’s grasp, as the icy water crept around them and slowly froze them out of their present existence.


	11. Chapter 11

2013

Bucky and Steve sat on the couch in their apartment in Stark tower, comfortable silence surrounding them. 

They had just come back yesterday from Peggy’s funeral.

Unknown to them, her frozen body had been found beside theirs in the icy ruins of the Valkyrie but she hadn’t had the serum and hadn’t survived. They’d put the funeral off until the two present geriatrics were better able to cope with the world they’d been thrust into.

Steve put his head on Bucky’s chest. “I miss her.”

“Me too,” Bucky said softly. “She was amazing.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah.” He smiled up at his current boyfriend. “I never wanted to have to choose between you two.”

Bucky grinned. “Me neither. I’m pretty sure you woulda picked the pretty one.”

“You’re pretty,” Steve drawled, drawing Bucky’s face down to his for a kiss.

Bucky laughed loudly. “Okay. Sure.” He loved Steve dearly. In the last year he discovered he still had the mental and physical disabilities that Hydra had left him with, but it didn’t bother him that much anymore. With the invention of disposable adult diapers his life had become much easier. He still had lapses of time and memory but Steve was always there to remind him of what was true. He looked into the deep blue of Steve’s eyes and softly traced the line of his jaw. “You’re beautiful, Stevie boy.”

The blonde grinned and sat up. “We’re just two big saps. Whaddaya want for dinner?”

Bucky shrugged. “No idea. Why don’t we go out? I need to change first though.”

Steve followed him to the bedroom, swatting his bottom playfully. “On the bed, sweetheart.”

Bucky squealed out a protest and flung himself onto the bed, bouncing around on the mattress.

Steve grabbed a fresh diaper from the bag in the closet. “Settle down, babe. Why don’t we try that Italian place?”

Bucky flopped onto his back, throwing his arms out dramatically and nodded. “Okay. I’d like that.”

Steve pulled his black jeans off, blowing a raspberry just above the waistband of his diaper.

Bucky dissolved into giggles and curled up. “Steve! That tickles!” He started to get hyper again. 

Steve joined his laughter, holding him still as he took off the soaked diaper. “You’re so cute when you giggle. I’m an addict for your laugh.”

Bucky smiled, relaxing again. He lifted his hips so Steve could slide the dry diaper under him. “Stevie, I have a question.”

“What is it, doll?” Steve asked.

“The guy who lives in this place, who shoots arrows. I forgot his name again. Who is he?”

Steve smiled indulgently as he rubbed baby powder into Bucky’s skin to prevent chafing. “His name is Clint. He likes to play video games and wrestle.” He had just “introduced” Bucky to Clint three days ago again.

Bucky couldn’t retain certain pieces of new information for some reason, specifically people places and Steve had to reintroduce him to the avengers regularly. They were understanding, and regaled Bucky with the same stories over and over just to hear him laugh.

Steve finished diapering him and laughed when Bucky rolled over and bounced off the other side of the bed, cackling gleefully as his energy overflowed again. “Don’ wanna wear pants!”

Steve held his jeans patiently. “Can’t go have dinner if you’re not dressed, babe.”

“Dinner?” Bucky asked, pausing. “I’m hungry.”

“Come put your jeans on.” Steve held out the article of clothing. 

Bucky giggled again. “Okay.” He slid the pants on and buttoned them. “Stevie, we should go for dinner tonight.”

Steve nodded. “Good idea, Buck.” The small lapses when he would grey out, as he called it, and temporarily forget what was going on, had become so common place, that Steve hardly noticed. He was used to changing the conversation to whatever Bucky came up with in the moment.

Clint and Natasha were in the foyer when they came out of the elevator. 

“It’s Clint!” Bucky said excitedly. “Hi Clint!”

“You remembered!” Clint grinned. 

“I told him eight minutes ago,” Steve laughed.

Bucky stared at Natasha his brow wrinkled in concentration. He knew he forgot people on a regular basis and sometimes, when they looked vaguely familiar it was frustrating. “Ta...Ta..”

She smiled. “Tasha.”

He nodded. “Yeah! Tasha. Stevie and Iare goin’ for dinner!”

“Where you guys going?” Clint asked. “Tash and I were gonna go out too.”

“The....” Bucky gave Steve confused look. “Aw shit, I forgot again.”

“We were gonna try the Filomena Ristorante,” Steve supplied.

“Mind if we join you?” Clint asked.

“Let’s go!” Bucky cheered.

After dinner and a couple of light drinks, the four went back to the tower to relax and watch a movie.

Bucky was suddenly shy in the presence of Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Pepper Potts and Thor Odinson. 

They introduced themselves informally then settled back to watch the movie.

Bucky settled back beside Steve, grasping his hand.

Steve entwined his fingers with Bucky’s and kissed his cheek softly. “You okay?”

Bucky nodded slowly. He was okay.He couldn’t remember much, back before going into the ice. Steve told him a bit about Peggy now and then. He didn’t really remember her much either. Her name brought warm feelings of safety.Sometimes he wished he could remember more.Like his arm. The metal arm was so strong and he had no idea where it came from. Steve would always skirt the issue if Bucky brought it up. He never wanted to tell him what had happened. He said it was a memory better left in the dark.

Steve had told him about Azzano as many times as he’d asked so he knew that’s where his disabilities stemmed from. 

His mind slipped from the past to the present, focusing on the bright colours racing across the screen in the high action movie. 

His life was pretty perfect. He had Steve. The only thing he’d really ever wanted. He had friends who didn’t care if he forgot them every other day.He had everything he needed.He missed Peggy but he would adjust.He almost thought maybe she had been like a mother figure to him. It seemed odd but it was the feeling he got. He was too embarrassed to ask Steve though.

He put his head on Steve’s shoulder.Something jogged a faint memory. “Don’t do anything stupid,” he murmured.

Steve leaned away from him a little to look at him, a soft smile on his face. “How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you,” Steve responded with a soft chuckle.

Bucky giggled. “I thought you were smaller. What happened to you?”

Steve snorted gently at the remembered conversation. “I joined the army.”

Bucky smiled back, cuddling into Steve’s arm. “I don’t care. I like you this way. You’re perfect.”

Steve kissed the top of his head.“I like you this way too.”

Bucky couldn’t stop the happiness that warmed his insides.Life was good.


End file.
